Contentment and New Seasons

This  morning we wrapped up the Moms Connect group I participate in for the school year. This is an amazing group that I have done for the past 3 years (it used to be a MOPS group), and it is always such a time of encouragement to get to leave my kids in their classrooms (which they both love) and have time to talk and laugh and be in Scripture with other mamas. Our session this morning was on contentment and it brought to mind many thoughts...

As we are drawing nearer into the new season of summer I find my contentment both high AND low. How is that possible??? I feel very content with where my life with Ryan and the kids have been for the past semester. We have been in a good rhythm of time doing homeschool, Eva going to preschool, our mornings at Moms Connect, a balance of family time with ministry, getting date nights because of awesome grandparents, and enjoying the outdoors a ton because of good weather. After some time of struggling with "Should I work?" (no.) "Should I get more involved in children's ministry?" (YES!), "Should I homeschool forever or send the kids to public school?" (quite worrying ahead of time), I finally feel such a peace that I am doing what I need to be doing for now. There are always days where you get gray hairs and wonder if what you're doing is right. Hard is okay and doesn't mean that you aren't doing what you are supposed to be doing. I am living my dream! I feel joy in where my life is.

And then I look at summer. All of the sudden I feel those yucky feelings of discontentment again. I don't WANT our routine to change. I like things the way they are going. It's going to get hot, and summer tends to be a busy time for Ryan. What am I going to do my children all day, every day? Our normal routines seem to suddenly have big gaping whole in them.

Then I return to the Lord and I am reminded to take each day at a time. I don't need to worry about August when it is May 19th. I can just think about May 19th (or maybe May 20th). I can feel peace knowing that I will still get time with my kids, which is absolutely what I want, and not to worry about how we will fill each day. I can trust in the Lord's daily supply of grace. I can look expectantly towards the FUN things that summer brings - pool time, play dates, summer nights - and to be thankful for the new memories we will create.

I read this morning from 1 Corinthians 13:12 "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know fully, even as I am fully known." This verse is primarily talking about Heaven and our eternal relationship with Jesus. But I can see also how it applies towards looking into new seasons. I don't know what the next few months for us will hold, but instead of being anxious or discontent, I can believe that God is good, and that there is a time for everything in it's season. Two years ago I wasn't sure what summer would look like and then (surprise!) we bought a house and (surprise!) we got pregnant with Jensen. Umm, I'm not planning anything THAT huge for this summer...the point is that it is hard to know going into each season what JOY and ADVENTURE it will hold.

So whether you are like me, feeling unsure about summer, or you can't wait for your older babies to finally be around more, trust God. Thank God. Live in contentment with wherever the next season takes you.

Pursing Passions

A few months ago I was meeting with my counselor and she was talking to me about figuring out what I'm passionate about. At first I was just like, "Umm, I mean, I guess I'm a mom so I'm passionate about mothering?" I wasn't sure how to respond. It's like when someone (usually not a fellow Stay at Home Mom) asks me what my hobbies are. I go blank. Does washing massive amounts of dishes count as a hobby? Surely not. Ugh. It can make you feel lame.

So I've been praying for God to show me more about what I am passionate about. What stirs my heart? What are areas where, even if I'm not the greatest, I find joy in sharing and talking about with others? In some crazy way, I feel like this "list" that I've come up with actually captures so much of me. Putting it in a list seems a bit silly, because it's not like you just have separate, ranked areas of your heart. But for blogging purposes, this is what I've got.

1. Family. I am intensely focused on the idea behind raising a family that spends time together and loves each other. Yes we fight and drive each other crazy. But one of my desires is to create such a strong bond between Ryan and I and our children. This also extends to our other family. I want my children to grow up really knowing their grandparents. Lucky for us, we have some awesome parents who love our kids like nobody else.

2. Jesus. Okay, before you write this one off as a typical pastor's wife answer, let me share more. I am passionate about a Savior who offers redemption. I am in love with God sending this hope into my dark days. I want my children to know him. I want my friends to know him. I want to encourage my friends that do know him by reminding them to keep seeking him even on the hard days. I want to share Jesus with more and more people. Nothing can change generations of a family more than a heart in love with Jesus.

3. Learning. I almost wrote this one out as home school. Some days I love doing school with Eva, some days I'm kinda ready for her to go somewhere. I don't know. But I am passionate that she gets the opportunity to learn. I enjoy creating lessons. My heart goes pitter patter as I find lessons on Pinterst and print them out and cut things and put little pieces in ziplock bags all in the name of learning.  I enjoy teaching. Usually. Watching her put letter sounds together to figure out words last week was AMAZING.

4. Health. I am super interested in the inter-connectivity of the body. I don't understand the science behind everything, but I am a believer in holistic health. Along with this, I am passionate about nutrition. I've been gluten free for over 3 months now. I almost caved when I saw the latest Olive Garden commercial, but my passion for putting the best in my body to be the healthiest I can be for me family won out. I want to raise kids who are knowledgeable about the foods that fuel their body and not fill them with junk because it's easier. I kinda wish I could go buy a farm and grow all my own fruits and vegetables. Maybe one day. I also think the evolution of food is both fascinating and terrifying. There is so much fake food going into our bodies...ok, stepping off my soap box for now.

5. Finances. Our small group has been going through a Dave Ramsey curriculum and I am passionate about learning to be wise with money. Ryan and I did a similar study early on in our marriage and some of the baby steps we took early on have allowed me to stay home, even though we live off a comparatively small salary (as in compared to the area we live in, not compared to the global economy). I feel empowered when I find ways to stretch dollars and save. I would love to do financial counseling for younger couples or college students...not how to get rich but how to live wisely off what you have.

6. Mom Life. I love the movement for moms to connect to other moms. Mom friendships look different than other relationships. You find yourself chasing children in the middle of conversation, or chatting to your friend on the phone while realizing your are both nursing babies at the same time. I love opportunities to be transparent and share real life with other moms. Almost three years ago I read THIS BLOG POST by another blogging mama where she shared her real, difficult, experience of deciding to take medication to help with post partum anxiety. Even though her story was slightly different from mine, her writing still echoed in my mind when I was deciding whether or not I wanted to try antidepressants after having Jensen. Her open, honest writing helped me make an important decision years later that greatly benefited me and my children. How awesome is that? Which brings me to my last passion...

7. Sharing my voice. Whether through writing or speaking, I feel really called to use my life and my stories to encourage others and to testify of Jesus. Right now that means blogging and sharing when I'm with other moms. In the future...who knows? Sometimes it is a bit scary, but it is also freeing.

These days I am doing everything I can to shift all my focus into these areas. I want to live purposefully for God, and that comes through living out the passions He has laid on my heart.

Monday Musings {children.homeschool.life}

Today we started back to our regular life routine. Homeschooling. Ryan working. Housework. As I've gone through this morning I keep feeling like we just can't quite click into a rhythm or routine or whatever that works just right for our family. I love planning out our school and our days, but so often my well intended thoughts turn into a day that feels like we are just tumbling down a hill instead of making slow steady strides up the mountain. Do you know that feeling?

Here's my honest thoughts. I love the idea of homeschooling. I want to be the mom that gets to teach her children and create in them a love for learning and a love for Jesus. I want to be the one teaching Eva how to read and crafting little projects with her. I want to see her face light up with discovery. I really, truly want all of that. Eva's God-given personality of half Tigger, half Eeyore, mixed with Jensen's stage of getting into everything, make doing school hard. In my mind I would like each day to look like this: breakfast, playtime, school time with Eva while Jensen naps, playtime, lunch time, maybe a bit more learning, afternoon rest time, play time, dinner time, family time. That seems simple enough. I believe little kids need tons of time to play so I want to balance it well with more directed learning time. Also when Eva is working on school stuff she usually needs me to be with her. So much of her activities are interactive so it's not like I can expect her to work on much independently at this point. We are doing science experiments, or playing games with numbers, or reading stories, or talking about letter sounds. It's all great, but it takes a lot of attention on my part. I know other moms have done this, and have done this with lots of more children running about, so why can't I figure this out?

I do put off big chores during our school days, but there are always little things that need to be done. I have to change diapers, or wash dishes. Today I felt bad because after our school time Eva really wanted me to play dollhouse with her, but I wanted to cook a batch of soup for lunch and I knew that needed to be done prior to actual lunch time. I told her she could go play or she could help, so she chose to mostly just sit on the counter and watch me. I know that isn't bad, because she was still enjoying being with me, but it makes me feel like I can't take any time for things like soup making without it coming across like I don't want to play with her.  Plus then Jensen is either crawling around like a wild banshee or contained to the pack and play. Today he was ready for a snack so it worked out a little better but that was just luck.

Also some times during the day, I'm all played-out. I love my kids, but making dolls pretend to be real life babies who need to be changed, fed, put to sleep, and walked is only exciting for so long. The firetrucks can put out pretend fires. The blocks can be made into a house, or a tower. We play kitchen and I eat pretend food. All fun things...until your grown up mind is done with it. I really want to be able to be home with my kids, to play with them some, and to let them play without me for some time for me to take care of other things. This seems realistic right?

Right now Jensen still takes two naps a day, so it feels like most of our day revolves around feeding him, playing, nursing, and getting him ready for his next nap. I know it won't be like this forever. It just makes it hard to even find time to get out of the house without it being a marathon to get out the door only to need to return an hour later. 

We've considered putting Eva in preschool, but really any good program around us is too expensive for us right now. I would love for her {and Jensen...} to get to go play with other kids like 2 mornings a week from 9-12pm, but even that costs a lot of  money when you live off of one income. 

I've prayed a lot about all of these things and I feel like probably the best thing is to keep it all in perspective. We are just in a season with a busy kid and a curious {almost} toddler. In a six months they will each be in a new stages and we will have to find the balance all over again. Really I have always dreamed about the stage in life when I could be home with two little kids, watching them learn and become friends. I really don't think I would want a job outside of the home....but some days I just wish I felt better at balancing everything. Maybe there isn't a perfect rhythm. Maybe you just do the best you can do with each day, love your kids a ton, and thank God for the moments in the day when you're all headed up the hill together. I realize that every day can't be Maria VonTrapp marching through the hills of Austria with her seven coordinated children laughing and singing behind her...but I sure would enjoy more moments like that.

My story {praising through post partum pain}

I've been wanting to share my story for a long time. This past year, well really longer than that, has been so hard for me. Hard physically. Hard emotionally. Every time I sit in stillness with God, whether driving in the car or in my glider gazing out the window, I feel the call of God urging me to share. I've had a handful of people who know me actually tell me "use your blog to share." I have wanted to write and give my testimony for the past year, but so often I'm too exhausted to even look at the computer. And I kept thinking I don't even know where to start or what to write. I kept praying about this and finally felt God urging, "Start at the beginning. And start now. Because somebody else needs this, now."

Most people in our lives know that back in March 2014 we had an early miscarriage. I shared my heart about it in this post, which was so healing. Writing is very therapeutic. But it was still a scar on my heart. A few months later I got pregnant again with Jensen, which was awesome and an answered prayer, yet it was still hard. I struggled with that feeling of knowing that I could only have Jensen because we lost the other baby. I would remember the trauma of going through the physical act of miscarrying. And my body was in immense physical pain.

I thought that the pain was all pregnancy related. My OB and chiropractor both thought it was either related to scar tissue from my c-section with Eva or that Jensen was probably pushing on a nerve. It was constant, all over body pain and headaches that would rarely go away, along with consistent "morning sickness". I would have to have Eva sit in the bathroom with me in the dark with a flashlight so I could take warm baths to try to lessen the pain and my headaches. I tried any medications that were safe. I tried different types of massage. I tried heat, I tried cold. Some things help but the pain would always return. I would rock in my glider, the very one I'm sitting in now, and pray with a thankful heart for the little man God was creating inside of me, while also praying fiercely that the pain would decrease.

When I went into preterm labor with Jensen I received a shot to stop my contractions. It worked but it gave me a terrible headache, as did the medicine I took for an extra week to keep him inside. Then even after I delivered him my biggest pain hurdles were massive headaches. When they would come check on me in the hospital I remember saying that my incision pain was like a 2 but my headaches were like an 8. Nothing helped.

Over the past 9 months I've continued to struggle with all over body pain and headaches. I've also struggled with post partum depression. Post partum depression can intensify pain. Pain can intensify depression. Antidepressants can also cause headaches. It's a terrible cycle. At times my body would hurt so much that I wasn't sure I could walk all the way to Jensen's room to nurse him in the night. I haven't been able to carry him much. I was drained and exhausted all the time and would have to spend any time I could manage lying down and resting. I was extremely irritable all the time and didn't want to do much of anything, because I felt so bad.

I've been to way more doctors than I would have ever wanted to. I was diagnosed with fibramyalgia and migraines but no one could tell me why my body was in so much pain. I go to the chiropractor every week. I went counseling to help process through my feelings related to my miscarriage, the scary experience of having Jensen early, depression, and to help deal with every day stress.  I was eating "healthy" {I'll explain more later...}. The neurologist wanted to put me on 4 different medications but none of them were safe while breastfeeding so I declined since I didn't even know for sure that they would actually help. Nursing Jensen is a joy for me so I was not willing to give that up on the off chance that a medicine could maybe help.

Then about a few months ago my sister in law suggested that I be tested for MTHFR, which is a genetic condition. I'm not going to explain all about it, but it is fairly common. Some of the symptoms that can be manifested for MTHFR are miscarriage, depression, migraines, chronic pain....hmmm, that sure did sound like my life. I tested positive for it which suddenly seemed to explain so much. Part of MTHFR relates to the way your body is able to process much needed nutrients. I had been taking vitamins with folic acid, which your body needs daily, except that my body is actually HARMED by folic acid. So my body was very depleted of nutrients. Not only that but pregnancy as well as the loss of pregnancy are huge factors for depleting your body. Basically my body and soul felt awful because the inside of my body was way out of wack and depleted of really important nutrients.

I've made some changes to help restore my body and mind. I've been completely gluten free for 2 whole months now!!!! Like even at Thanksgiving. Gluten is linked in various ways to all sorts of things, like migraines, depression, brain fog, and gut problems. I also went for about a month without any dairy and now am careful to really limit dairy, as it is linked to inflammation. I started taking ID life supplements to help rebalance the nutrients my body needs. I still go to the chiropractor a few times a week and I found a counselor that I LOVE.

For a long time I kept thinking that I wanted to wait and share all this once I was completely, 100% healed and back to "perfect" condition. That hasn't happened yet, so maybe it's good for me to share all this in the middle of my struggles. My experience has really been that it can be really difficult to find the help you need...whether that be getting the right antidepressants, figuring out what blood work or diet you need to be one, finding the right person to talk to, or knowing which doctor to ask which questions. You have to be so persistent to get healthy and when you feel low, that is overwhelming.

My prayer life and walk with the Lord isn't perfect. Even though I'm married to a pastor. That's okay. I've learned so much this year about God's grace and goodness and am so relieved that I don't have to have it all together. I just have to keep turning back to Jesus. So that's what I do. When my body is in pain, I call out to Jesus. When I want to guard my speech so I don't completely lose my temper at my child, I whisper "Jesus give me the words." In the stillness I pray for wisdom and that my faith would increase. I thank God that my emotions are just temporary but He is who His Word says He is. I find hope in Jesus through the encouragement of friends and family, through songs lyrics, through teaching my daughter simple Bible stories. God wants us to receive his promises with child-like faith, and sometimes that comes from reading a child's Bible, so simple and yet full of truth. I love reading about how God chose young, small David to defeat the giant Goliath. Or a simple, unmarried teenager to become the mother of our Savior. I am thankful that Jesus praised the poor widow who gave 2 coins out of love more than those who gave more out of arrogance. Hmm, a lot of Bible stories sure point out God's ability to do something amazing for His kingdom with someone who on the surface isn't the biggest or the best or the most perfect. All of those people were just willing to obey and love the Lord. There are days when looking at a never ending pile of laundry or figuring out what to cook for dinner might make me cry, but always, ALWAYS I love Jesus. That's enough for God.

Some days I feel guilty for my struggles, because I know that I have much more fullness in my life than some people. I have a safe home, and a husband who loves me even on the days when I probably act very unlovable and two beautiful children who want to be near me every second of every day, even when I'm doing something as mundane as brushing my teeth. And yet, my struggles are real. If you're reading this and struggling, know that your struggles are real too!

So this is my story. I know God isn't finished with it yet. Thanks for reading.

How We Survive "Camp Week"

Once a year my husband takes off for 9 long days a week for Young Life camp. Now I am only speaking a a mom and wife of a husband who very rarely is gone out of town. I have absolutely no idea what it is like for all the super mama's out there who's husbands are gone frequently or even every week. I can't imagine. But for me and Eva, this has always been a hard week. Some of the more dramatic three year old lines this week were, "I don't think I can make it. Can you make it?" {spoken only minutes after Ryan had left} followed a few days later by, "Remember when I used to have a Daddy?" Oh, the sadness....

I've done this a few ways over the past 4 years. When Eva was a baby I kept her with me at home the whole week. The past 2 years we did more grandparent house hopping around. TWICE I have had to pack up my home and get us ready for the next big move during this time {let me say, that is no picnic}. I felt like this year though was our best "camp week" yet. I didn't take photos of all everything for the week, but we did do some good things. Here is how we survived:

1. Grandparents. God bless these wonderful people. This year Eva spent one night at my parent's and one night at Ryan's parents. For us, this was perfect. It left her get out to be spoiled. It gave me some snuggle one-on-one time with little man.

2. Plan some fun outings. We saw Inside Out at the movie theatre. We went to a live animal show at the Southlake Library. We went to the dentist. {Does that count as fun? Eva told me it was her favorite part of the week...} We went to the pool.

3. Plan some days at home. For my child, this is key. I have realized that Eva does SO.MUCH.BETTER. when she has some normal just hang out and do puzzles, paint pictures, and play with Barbie doll time. Overall we all sleep better. Our moods are all better. There is consistency, which is so important while Ryan is gone.

4. Meal plan. Figure out what will be the least stressful. I planned a few nights to eat out at places we like {Chick-fil-a} and I cooked only simple foods that I knew wouldn't create a dinner time battle or require much prep or clean up {tacos, macaroni}. We ate very little vegetables. We will survive.

5. Make a calendar or schedule. Eva LOVED this. I wrote out a piece of paper for each day and clipped them on a piece of yarn. We could read about all the things to look forward to and at the end of each day we took down that day's paper. It helped her be able to track time until her daddy was home.

6. Schedule friend time. Friend time for you. Friend time for your child. We saw so many wonderful friends this week! I appreciate everybody that made plans with us, I wish I had taken pictures with everybody to make a huge awesome collage, but I did not....also a big thank you to all my friends who sent check up texts to see how we were doing throughout the week! {Side Note: We live in the best neighborhood. We have lots of friends right here and that makes hanging out easier. We have tried to have this where we lived before and it just never happened. I think we know more than 15 families in our neighborhood, which is so awesome!}

7. Be thankful for technology! Face time. Texting. Phones with cameras that make it so easy to send photos and videos back and forth. This helps so much!

8. Pick up a few cheap movies or hit up Redbox so that you can be entertained with something other than watching Frozen for the millionth time.

9. Take about feelings. We did this a lot. I've realized that it helps both me and Eva to be able to communicate "I feel ____" Sometimes just verbalizing that she missed Ryan and felt sad helped curb some behavior issues. Also since we had seen Inside Out we could talk about the different emotions and help each other out. I wish there was a "Stress" character in that movie :)

10. Occasionally bride with ice cream. Or snow cones. Once in a while a little "encouragement" to make it a great day is okay and helps keep the calm for everybody.

And finally, I could not have made it through without tons and tons of prayer! I prayed on the very first day that the Lord would wake me up early enough each day to spend some time reading my Bible and in prayer before my little children woke up and He was so faithful to do this! Sometimes it can be so much easier to stay under the covers in the morning but every single day I had the alertness and the energy to wake up a bit earlier so I could start my day with Jesus. This made such a wonderful difference and helped me set the tone and my heart for the rest of the day. 

Friday Thoughts

I was going to do a "Five on Friday" posting but I'm not sure how many things I have to blog about today so instead I just decided to compile some photos with some thoughts. Here we go....
1. Last Friday we took Eva bowling at Main Event for a family day. We realized that with the holidays we hadn't really done a special family day since we went to the zoo back in November. Bowling with a three year old is cute. She really liked it although she did get worn out about half way through. We probably won't get to do a lot more things like this for a while so I'm glad we took her and got to giggle at how funny it is to watch a small person carry a 6lb bowling ball.

2. This photo is pretty much how my week felt. Upside down. I started having real contractions on Monday so we got to spend several hours Monday night at the hospital and then have made multiple doctor trips this week. Basically Jensen is doing fine but I have to take yucky medicine to try to delay labor and am not supposed to do a lot. I'm not on strict bed rest but I'm not supposed to run a bunch of errands or clean my house or anything, just mostly hangout out sitting or lying down for the next 10 days. It could be much worse, but it is still driving me crazy a bit. Thankfully, I can say that in all the craziness of this week, I have really not been worried about Jensen. Maybe for a couple of minutes when I walked into the labor and delivery room and saw that tiny newborn crib box next to the bed, but really overall I have so much peace about him. All through this pregnancy I have felt that peace. Everything may not be perfect or go just like I have planned it, but I've really always had that peace of Christ that Jensen was created by God and that I don't need to worry about him.

3. Which brings me to my next point - marry well. If I could give young girls one piece of advice it would be to always seek God and spend time with him. If I could give a second piece of advice it would be to think carefully about who you choose to date and marry. Our marriage isn't perfect but I am so thankful that I decided to marry Ryan Bradley. Even though he has been given a lot of extra responsibility at work he has still tried so hard to help out with everything at home this week. He knows that it is hard for me to let go of the home and he been such a huge blessing. Last night he vacuumed, made dinner and folded the laundry just so that I wouldn't be stressing about these things getting done.  This morning he got up and took Eva on a date to go get donuts and run around at Cabelas. My love language has always been quality time but I'm starting to see that I also really appreciate acts of service. I may resist a bit when he tells me to stop doing things and rest but on the inside I love and appreciate him so much.

4. They say it takes a village to raise a child. They were right. Especially my child and especially when I can't do a whole lot. We are always surrounded by so many people who love and will help with Eva, but it has been especially helpful this week. It is hard for me to ask for help with Eva because I'm her mom and I want to be the one who is able to do everything for her in just the way I know she needs it done. But sometimes you have to call in for backup. I really appreciate all the family and friends who have offered to help us out over the past week.

5. I had to throw this one in here. Eva may not be the next picasso, but she has just recently started drawing stick figures to represent people. She drew this one this week and said, "It's my Daddy. He likes blue." I realize that there are some way more advanced artists out in the land of preschool but I was proud that she did this on her own and put thought into it.

6. Does anybody else ever feel like raising little people is hard work? Oh my goodness. I love this girl. More than anything. But some days....she can raise the bar on throwing a fit. I've read up a lot lately on the best way to respond to kids in the midst of their "I'm-crying-because-you-wiped-up-water-beneath-my-paper-so-I-had-to-wait-to-use-the-marker" emotional breakdown.  I just want to share this so that other parents reading this can remember that they aren't the only ones. Based on what I've read our kids will probably turn out to be normal, functioning humans who don't melt down when their bandaids fall off their fingers.

7. Finally, I ask for prayer. Please pray for this big girl who is so excited to meet "her new baby" but isn't quite sure how to navigate being anxious over the changes in our home and having to let her Mama rest so much. Pray that her little heart doesn't doubt that our love for her never changes and that her brain doesn't melt when she is allowed to watch way too much TV. And pray for the tiny one inside that giant belly, that he will be able to stay in there and grow a bit longer, and then he would be born so healthy and strong because he will need to be strong to keep up with his sister. Lastly, pray for the tired Mama who loves her babies so, so much and is trying to balance life.

Goodbye 2014

As we get ready to ring in the new year I decided to steal this idea from Amanda's Blessed Life {my wonderful sister in-law's blog} for blogging about her top instagram moments of 2014. 2014 was filled with some amazing times, some really hard times, and then the ordinary times that fall in between. I was just remembering talking with Ryan on New Year's Eve last year and saying, "What if by next year we have another baby? What if we end up buying a house?" We really had no idea what 2014 would hold for our family or where we might be as we started 2015. That's so crazy to think about! Instead of blogging about the "highlights" of our year, I went through and chose an instagram picture that captured those an everyday moment. These are the moments that I might not have blogged about. They aren't holiday moments or even things like the day we bought our first home. They are just happy memories that made up the everyday of 2014.

January: Breakfast with Eva. Ryan was out of town this morning and we woke up to the transformer popping outside of our old townhouse. I love her messy hair and the fact that she was still in a high chair! We ate breakfast in the freezing cold dark, and then we went to see Frozen for the first time! 

February: Friends stopping by to hang out on a snow day. I think this is one of the first times we spent just hanging out with our sweet friend Malin, who happens to be one of the best babysitters in the world. 

March: Worshiping at Bara on a Sunday morning with my mom and Grandma Dede. I'm thankful they are both believers who wanted to join us at church that Sunday. 

April: Painting tiny toes for the first time. Scrapes and all, I love those little feet so much.

May: A day at Trophy Club beach with the husband. We laughed SO MUCH on our "hike" to the beach as we presssed onward through the Trophy Club jungle to finally make it to those sandy shores.

June: Finding the Easter bunny head in the back of Ryan's truck. Impromptu giggles are one of the benefits of having a daddy who is a crazy youth pastor.

 July: Playing in the rain at our new house.

August: Showing off baby bumps with one of my best friends, Ashley. How exciting to be pregnant at the same time!

September: Eva getting to pose with the Byron Nelson cheerleaders during the 3rd quarter. Anytime we would see her playing with these girls down on the field we would laugh and smile so much. She adores them and I'm pretty sure they adore her.

October: Our first real tea party together. 

November: Letting Eva get out of bed to come see the first snowfall of the season. The look on her face as she watched the sky was magical. 

December: Singing Christmas carols with our students. I love to sing with people and I also enjoy seeing how happy it can make others when we bless them with time and kindness.

Days of Thankfulness

Our first Thanksgiving with our tiny turkey.

At the very beginning of November Ryan began a teaching series on thankfulness. At youth he encouraged us to go beyond just saying "I'm thankful for my family" or home or whatever and be more specific. God has blessed us in very creative ways and we can be more specific when thinking about what we are thankful for. Thankfulness creates a heart of contentment and appreciation for all that we have. The morning after Ryan taught I read the following scripture during my quiet time:

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

Colossians 4:4

I decided to be intentional about watching for the things in my life that I could thank God for every day. On the back of my paper from youth the night before I started a list. My goal was to right down one thing each morning for that I was thankful for from the day before. So for most of the list the number on the list lines up with the day I wrote it. I really love seeing how my list was filled with the things that I am most grateful for. I don't want to risk losing a random piece of paper so I decided to post it here. I'm not at all saying that my life is perfect or that my heart is always content. I do encourage everyone reading to find at least one specific thing that they could praise God for TODAY, for the Bible teaches us that the Lord is the GIVER of every good gift.

What I am thankful for:

1. A mother's love and that my mom would give up time to bring us Jensen's dresser. A husband's hard working hands digging up plants to make my backyard more peacful.

2. Time to spend outside under the pre-evening clouds. Conversations to speak truth and encouragement into other women's lives.

3. Moments to hold and rock Eva while she is still small and cuddly, and the honor of covering her in prayer.

4. Fall leaves changing colors and the significance of seasons in our lives.

5. The sound of Christmas music and how it brightens my heart.

6. Fellowship and laughter through MomsConnect.

7. Highschool girls who enjoy playing with Eva and letting her be a cheerleader with them.

8. In-laws who truly love my family, especially Eva and who are always encouraging and never critical.

9. The taste of chocolate chip cookie dough.

10. Feeling Jensen wiggle while I'm praying for him.

11. Ryan chasing Eva outside, hearing her abundant giggling, listening to Enya music in the background and the sun setting behind the fence.

12. Eva's face lighting up when she saw the snow at night.

13. The smiles on Eva's face singing and leading "If You're Happy and You Know It" at the library.

14. Soft pajamas.

15. Time with my forever friends fo rmy birthday.

16. A God that is okay with me crying out to him on hard days.

17. People that put up early Christmas lights.

18. Still, quiet moments.

19. Surprise birthday presents.

20. Early morning snuggles with Eva.

21. Time to talk and communicate with Ryan.

22. Starbucks dates.

23. Movie nights with my family.

24. The truth that each day starts fresh.

25. A home big enough for everyone to gather in - this was a prayer for our home that God answered so specifically. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the family and food that God has provided you this week.

Tuesday Thoughts

I thought I would share a few birthday week thoughts today. Not all of them are birthday related, but I felt like blogging about a few different things, starting with.....
1. My birthday party! My college friends came over to our house Saturday night to share a wonderful birthday meal with me. We grilled burgers and ate cake and laughed a lot. I love each of these ladies so much and am so thankful for their friendships. I have been friends with Ashley and Marianne for over 10 years now! And Erica is working on catching up to that number with me :) Thank you, friends for life, for making my birthday special. 

2. Snow! On Sunday night Ryan and I were out at a youth event and got home late. Even though Eva was already snuggled in bed in her pajamas we wrapped her up in a few blankets and took her outside to see the giant snowflakes. The look on her face was priceless. I am so glad we took her to see the snow. It would have been easier and probably more settling to leave her in bed, but seeing how magical the snow was to her was the best moment of my day. 

3. Snow...the next day. The next morning when we were sitting together at breakfast I asked Eva what we should to that day. Her exact response was, "Well, at some point we should play outside in the snow." Ha! What 3 year old starts a sentence by saying "well at some point"? I need to start a journal of all the funny things she says. The other day in the car she had been telling an imaginary story to me and Ryan as we drove. When she stopped Ryan turned and said something to me, then she piped up from the backseat "I am still talking!" And today she had her hand on my belly to feel Jensen move. When he pushed a hand/foot/knee/whatever up against her hand she said, "High-five little buddy!"

4. Christmas. The holiday season is quickly approaching and it is around this time that I start to think about obsess over how much stuff Eva already has. I feel this deep conviction to not let her life be overwhelmed by tons and tons of toys. This turns me into some kind of mommy-grinch that wants to tell everybody not to buy her anything because she has all of everything that any three year old reasonably needs. I want her to appreciate and actually play with a smaller amount of toys rather than have a playroom that is so packed she can't even find the toys she likes. When I think about having two kids next year and all the "stuff" that accumulates for two kids it kind of overwhelms me. At the same time, of course I want her to have a wonderful Christmas. I want her to enjoy the splendor of presents under the tree Christmas morning. I want grandparents to have the joy of buying her whatever their hearts desire. So, this is always really a struggle for me. I believe that Christmas is all about Jesus and that is where the focus should be. After that comes time with family and special traditions and then presents should be more of an after thought. When she looks back at her childhood Christmas mornings I want her memories to be of enjoying time together, because in reality, she will forget about most of the toys she receives over the years. To make this happen I have already purged the play room and organized it so that we can see all the awesome toys she already has. I also have bags of things to give away and a few things I am setting aside for Jensen to enjoy later on. I think all the grandparents are on board with not completely spoiling her, and for that I am so thankful. Also I am very excited about the few things we actually are giving her because they are things she has mentioned and wanted for at least a few months. There is one special present already hidden away that I am sooooo happy to give her, so maybe I'm not a complete grinch.

5. Pajamas. Eva probably spends 90% of each day wearing her pajamas. She will put on "real clothes" when we go somewhere but as soon as we walk through the garage door she heads to her room to put on her pjs. There are times when I wish she wanted to dress up more in the closet full of cute girly clothes she has, but at least she can wear them when we go places....and on the bright side, this has helped her get really good at putting on her own clothes!

For those in need of grace

 I blog a lot about all of the great things we do as a family, and I absolutely love sharing ideas for learning and the awesome things I get to do at home with Eva. I try really, really, REALLY hard to be an active involved mom. When I picture my years at home with Eva, I want to see lots of doing and laughing and creating. But some days....I am just in need of some grace.

This past summer was filled with lots of change and good moments, but it was also so very hard. I am not hear to complain about being pregnant, but to be honest this pregnancy has been rough on me. I have been in so much physical pain and been struggling through so many awful days of "morning sickness," the kind that somehow can last until late at night.

It has been really hard for me to learn to let go of some of the vision I see for myself as a mom. I want a clean house. I want healthy, home cooked meals. I want way more playing than TV watching. And to be honest, I haven't been able to live up to my own expectations for myself. I've had to accept that the house may not be as spotless as I would like. We aren't living in filth and my home probably looks like a realistic picture of most homes, with crumbs on the table, spots on the floor, and bathrooms that could use a good wipe down. I buy more frozen meals and we eat off paper plates more often than I would want to admit. And the TV....I feel like I'm in a constant inner battle with that darn TV. Truly, though, there are moments when standing up to put in a DVD is the most active thing I can do when I am battling sickness. The other day I was even feeling so awful that I drank a Coke. I do not like soda at all, I am trying to limit my caffeine in general, and I can already imagine how it is deteriorating my insides. But I had such a terrible headache that Eva and I were literally just having to sit quietly in the dark and watch a movie. That was all I could handle. I even made her read me a bed time story instead of me reading to her. I had tried every single natural, more healthy remedy but nothing was helping. Finally I resorted to a suggestion to try 2 Tylenol with some Coke. And it worked.

In the midst of all these seemingly long months of feeling sick and exhausted, I am trying to learn to give myself some grace. Above all else, I am pretty sure that my daughter and my husband still feel loved and taken care of. Ryan usually has clean clothes to wear and Eva would be content wearing the same pajamas for a week straight. Most nights I can still get dinner on the table, even if it looks like reheated pizza with a salad or apples to make it seem healthier. Eva's brain will probably not be completely melted from the amount of times she has watched Finding Nemo or The Lion King. And it is just for a season of life. Sometimes on the hard days you have to look at the give and take of the bigger picture...drinking 4 oz of Coke and being able to function is probably worth it.

Why am I sharing all this? For the others mamas out there who are in the same place I am. For moms who for whatever reason need encouragement that sometimes "good enough" really is good enough. I read an awesome blog post that shared that one of the most important thing you can do for your small kids (and probably your husband) is to share lots of snuggles and personal time. {I wish I could link to it but of course I can't find it anywhere now. Oh well, at least I remembered the main point.} I would agree that my husband would rather a happy wife who can greet him with a smile than spotless floors. My family benefits more from me sitting down to eat with them off a paper plate than from me exhausting myself to cook an amazing dinner. And Eva feels perfectly loved snuggled up in my arms watching her favorite movies. One of the sweetest moments came the other night when I was terribly, awful sick, had given up on getting her to go to sleep in her room, and let her come lie down with me in my bed. I had a washcloth on my forehead and had basically bargained with her that she could lie down next to me until Ryan got home if she was very quiet and did not move the bed at all. With tears in my eyes I whispered, "Eva, I'm sorry that I feel sick a lot." Her response? She sang me the sweetest Jesus Love Me I've ever heard and then asked me if that helped me feel better. Yep.

So go ahead. Serve pizza one more night if you need to. Let those crumbs under the kitchen table wait until tomorrow. Watch Nemo one more time on those days when you are trying your best and just need some grace. Love your family. No judgement here.

Loss and Love {Our Angel Baby}

A month ago Ryan and I lost a precious child. I was still early on in my pregnancy and had actually only known I was pregnant for a short time. But the loss is still real. After experiencing the joy in getting pregnant, the pain and sadness of going through a miscarriage, and the weeks of emotions that followed, I have been feeling like I want to share our story. I know for many women, going through a miscarriage is a very private thing. I feel like that too, but at the same time I want to be able to talk about it. I written this to share my own experience and feelings.

First, let me say that we were SO EXCITED to find out that I was pregnant. We have been wanting to grow our family for a while. I was almost thinking of waiting a few days to tell Ryan so that I could plan a more creative announcement but I'm so glad now that I told him when I did. He came home from work and -BEFORE he knew anything - one of the first things he said was, "Oh...I was hoping you would have Eva in a cute Big Sister shirt. I don't know why, but for some reason I was expecting that." What??? I had hidden the positive pregnancy test in the back of Eva's tricycle. We were outside playing and I told him that I thought she had put rocks inside her bike so he should look. Then, SURPRISE! I think every mother has those early fears that something could happen to the new life inside of her that she already loves. I remember praying and telling myself not to worry but to just be thankful for the joy I felt in that moment. I remember thinking that even if the worse was to happen later on, I could always remember the days when I was happy. Wow. I am so glad I thought about this. I feel like that is just an example of the way God has loved us. Yes, we have gone through some very hard, sad days, but I am so grateful that I had happy days to completely love my child and trust God. Before this experience I would have said that I would have rather never gotten pregnant than to have to loose a baby. Now I can honestly say that for me personally, I would rather have a short time to love my child than for that child to never have been created. I am sure not every mother feels like this, and that is okay. No one should ever tell a grieving mama what she should feel or think.

The few days leading up to confirming our loss were really hard. It is awful that there is nothing they can do to stop a miscarriage. Things happened to start for us on a weekend so the OB at my doctor's office suggested I stay on bed rest until I could get in on Monday just in case it was anything else. I was pretty sure that I knew when I had lost the baby but I did rest with a small hope that maybe it would make a difference. It didn't. But I am thankful that I spent those days resting. For me, it took away any guilt that I think I would have felt had I looked back and thought I could have done anything different.

By the time my appointment came on Monday, I really, honestly already knew. It was still really sad going through the sonogram process but at least it wasn't a complete surprise. I cannot imagine the pain of going to a sonogram expecting to see a healthy baby only to hear such disappointing, heartbreaking news. Yes, I still cried so much, but I am thankful that God prepared my heart for that moment.

What have been the hardest parts? Obviously, losing a baby that we really prayed for and loved and wanted so much. The loss of this child will always be a part of us. The next thing that has been hard for me is that we didn't get to tell our friends and family in a happy way. Maybe that seems silly...but since we told them about our loss I wish we could have told them earlier about our pregnancy. I guess that would have made them sadder later on but I do kind of wish we could have shared our news earlier, although I am really glad we never shared our news with "the whole world" because it has allowed us to be more discrete in deciding who we are ready to talk to. It has also been hard talking to people in general. I am very aware that it is an awkward thing to talk about. Our friends and family love us and don't want us to feel more sad by bringing it up. Honestly there are times when I definitely do not want to talk about it....but then there are days when I really wish somebody would talk about it. Sorry, friends and family, that just put you in the hardest position ever. I guess if you aren't sure whether to talk about it, you can just tell you that you love us and you care about us. To me that kind of leaves the door open for us to talk or not. Also it's been really hard that all of this happened during such a busy season of our life. It honestly is frustrating that hard things happen during times when you do not have the ability to just stop everything. Ryan's work in ministry does not stop. My role as a mother does not stop. I guess it's good to have other things to focus on but sometimes it's incredibly hard and I long for time to slow down. I've also struggled with becoming very forgetful or easily irritated. I know that I have to give myself some grace, but it is frustrating to feel like that.

What have been the blessings? I would never, ever want anyone to have to lose a baby. It doesn't matter how far along you are, losing a baby is sad and the pain is real. I have seen goodness even in the pain though. I have experienced the peace of Jesus that truly does go beyond circumstances. I know some people doubt God when something bad and unfair happens. I have never been more sure of His presence. I have felt the love and prayers from our friends and family. Trust me, my heart has been broken just like any other woman out there who has miscarried. The fact that I am able to find days of joy (not just moments), that I am able to laugh, that I am able keep going is because so many people have prayed for us and loved us. I am thankful for the friends that shared food with us those first few days when I didn't want to do anything. I am thankful for the encouraging texts we received. I don't know what it would have been like before texting, but I am thankful for this way for people to reach out and encourage us in the moments where we just weren't up for talking on the phone. We have been encouraged to hear so many stories of other women who have miscarried and gone on to have healthy babies later on. (I wish NONE of these women had lived through that but it is helpful to at least hear that they can relate and have gone on). It has been a blessing to experience the strength of God to know that even when the worst happens, we actually can keep going.

Things are still hard for me. I don't feel like the length of a pregnancy is equal to the amount of love you can have for your baby. There have been dark days. Days when I feel sad or angry. Days when I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything. There have also been peaceful, joy-filled days, too! The changing hormones inside definitely do not make it easier. I do have tons of hope, though. Hope for whatever God has planned for our life, whether that is one more healthy baby, a house full of babies, or maybe not. For years I have prayed that God would give us whatever children He would want us to have. I really hope that God grows our family and Eva gets to grow up with a sibling, and maybe that will happen or maybe it won't.

Here are some thoughts that I have struggled through: Christians, or even pastor's families, are always strong. False. We are still human and have real emotions. Yes, we have faith but that doesn't mean that there aren't days when we feel really weak. At least you still have Eva and you are young enough to try again. These are both true and good things...but I am still upset. At least you weren't that far along. I can completely agree that as each day in a pregnancy progress, you do become more attached and excited about the reality of holding and loving your child. I can't imagine the heartbreak of loosing a baby at the end of a pregnancy rather than earlier on. But I still wish I had a sweet sonogram photo of our baby.

The Sunday before I miscarried, I taught the Pre-K Sunday school class at church. They learned about the story of Job and I remember reading them the verse, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job's loss was much greater than mine, but he kept going. Because God is good! Even on terrible days, even in pain, even when life just isn't fair. God is good. Good because He loves us more than we can imagine. Good because He is with us always, even in the days of darkness. The peace I have in Jesus really, truly does transcend understanding.

Hopefully our story will encourage somebody else who is struggling. Not every woman has a place to share or feels like sharing will help them. I understand that. Writing everything out has helped me process things, and I appreciate everybody who took the time to read all of it.

One day he is coming...

For the past month I felt like I have had nothing to blog about or no time in which to blog....this week I suddenly feel like I have TONS to blog about, although still not tons of time to blog. So here is another quick blog about what the Lord has laid on my heart these past few days.

Sunday night at youth Ryan taught about Easter. He did it from the stand point of, "So, what?" Why is Easter important? Why do we care that the story teaches us that Christ is risen? Why does that even matter?

It matters because it's TRUTH. That Jesus really is alive. As I was teaching about this with my group of small girls, I just felt so encouraged and excited about this truth. Jesus didn't just die and then have his soul go on to Heaven. Jesus overcame DEATH, ROSE to life again, and is ALIVE now. Wow. I have been praying that our students would be excited about this amazing truth that shows that Jesus is who he says he was, that teaches us that God's power and ability is infinitely greater than we can imagine, and that assures us that the peace Jesus offers us is real.

Then I started to think about how I want to teach Eva about Easter. I want my sweet girl to LOVE Easter as much as Christmas! Easter really is every bit if not more important than Christmas because we are celebrating that not only was our Savior born, but he is still ALIVE and with us!  So I've been busily planning this afternoon ways that I can make Easter meaningful, understandable, and exciting to a two year old. Yes, we will do the silly bunny and egg crafts because that's fun and she is two and loves all things art. I will dress her up in a sweet Easter dress and enjoy taking pictures of her hunting for eggs (which we will probably do at least 3 times). But I want to do more than that. I promise, she can already tell you that Easter is about chocolate bunnies and finding eggs. That is permanently in her brain. Now I want the part about God loving her SO MUCH that he would send his son to die so that she can know him FOREVER to be in her HEART.

What are my first steps? Well, I made the chalkboard above based on the song Glorious Day by Casting Crowns....but that's really more for me. For me to see it every time I walk our stairs. For me to remember that my love for Jesus matters to her. Then I order The Easter Story today from Amazon. She already has tons of books about finding eggs or with pictures of cute little animals. I wanted another special Easter book just about Jesus. Yes, we read it in her little Bible, but it's only a couple of pages and this will be something special that we can set out just at Easter. My other ideas are all on my Easter Pinterest Board.....I am really looking forward to doing the shortened, toddler version of Resurrection Eggs. In December I made up at "25 Days of Christmas" calendar with something to do each day, and I thought briefly about doing something like the "20 Days of Easter" but right now I am in a season of life where I probably don't need to try to do quite that much. I want this to be meaningful but also simple. Maybe just a few things each week would be better.

I encourage everyone who reads this to really ask God to show you new truths this Easter. Pray to be excited. Pray to be encouraged. Happy Easter!

Follow the star

After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. 

Matthew 2: 9-11

This morning my devotional was about the star of Bethlehem. I was blessed to have a quiet moment in my morning to stop and read and pray over these verses while Eva was still sleeping. The burlap star above is the only Christmas decoration I added to my collection this year. The moment I saw it I really liked it. We have a cross on the top of our tree instead of a star because it reminds me that even on the first Christmas morning, God had a forever plan of bringing salvation to us through Jesus. Eva has enjoyed turning the lights on for it each day and notices when the lights are not shining through it {there is something wonderful about seeing the lights sparkling all day long}. Now it reminds me of how the wise men knew that the star they saw was from God. They knew they were following the light of that star to their new king. And when they found that baby king they bowed down and worshiped. They gave him their best treasures.

This is my hope for this Christmas week. That in the middle of the craziness of traveling with a two year old or the excitement of unwrapping gifts I would look to the star each day and remember. That I would bow my heart and give thanks and praise to the Savior who was born so long ago. My best treasure to give Jesus is my love and praise.

I know I've read this passage before, but it always seems to get passed over during the reading of the story of the birth of Jesus. Hopefully sharing this will encourage somebody else to stop and remember the star, to bow down and worship.

More time indoors? Could be worse.

Here in our part of the world we are looking into our fourth iced in day in a row. I haven't been out of the house since noon on Thursday. That's a whole lot of indoor time with a toddler who loves to be on the go. A lot of toys. A lot of stories. A lot of Disney movies. And yet even though there are moments where I feel restless at the end of each day I am so thankful for each of the moments I get with my sweet baby, who is really much more of a kid than a baby now.

Saturday night was a hard one in our home. First we got a call that our pastor's daughter, Emily was in a sledding accident. Thankfully she is doing better now, but at the time we got the text saying she was hurt we didn't know what her condition would be. We love Emily and imagining her hurt, imagining the struggle of her parents to get to the hospital late on an icy night, was sad. Right after we finished praying for her healing we heard Eva cry out in her room.

I will spare all the details and instead just say that Eva was really sick Saturday night. I don't normally do well around sick people but when it's your own child things are different. It broke my heart to see her so scared and sad and shaking. As I sat in her bed with her trying to calm her down to sleep I just kept praying for her and for Emily. I kept thinking about how I'm sure Emily's mom still sees her in part as the little sleeping baby she used to be, especially when she is hurting. I thanked God repeatedly for the fact that I was simply calming down my sick girl in her own bed in our warm home and not at a hospital.

On Sunday Eva's fever rose and I called an the after hours line for our pediatrician. We figured out that Eva probably has the flu. Seeing her look so sad and listless on Sunday afternoon was really hard. I would never wish that any little kid would be sick. Kids are supposed to be running around driving their parents crazy on snow days, not lying pitifully on the couch.

By bedtime she seemed to be doing better, her fever was down, and she was able to be her toddler self a bit more. I know that with a fever, and possibly the flu, on our hands I'm looking at a couple more days of being stuck inside. I'm hoping to just keep the perspective that it's always good to have time with my girl. I'm so incredibly blessed to be her mama and to be the one she calls out for when she needs something. I'm blessed to be the one who knows how to care for her best. I'm even blessed to have the time to sit and watch more Disney movies.

It's the final countdown....one week til the big 3-0

It seems like only yesterday I was that sweet little baby smiling for my one-year portraits....and yet here I am, about to turn 30. Next week will be my big milestone birthday, so in preparation I thought I would revisit the bucket list I made for myself 6 months ago.

1. Go rock climbing. Check! That's me up there on those rocks. Did this in June with my bff Erica and loved it. 

2. Go canoeing. Check! We rented some canoes and went out on the Lake of the Arbuckles. I enjoyed the experience but learned that I would prefer to be in a row boat instead of a canoe. 

3. Go on a get away with my husband. Check! Here we are on our 5 year anniversary trip to Oklahoma. While we were there went ziplining, walked across a sky bridge, and rode horses.  I also ate duck and a Dairy Queen dip cone for the first time. So I will give myself 5 bucket list bonus points for all of that. 

4. Go on a family overnight trip. Last month we visited East Texas. We had been there once before with Eva but I'm still counting this because it's not someplace we go often. Also we are going on a mini-vacation the week of my birthday. I'm pretty sure that counts as an extra trip. I will give myself 1 more bonus point. 

5. Go two stepping. Check! We danced our heart outs at Billy Bobs. We also visited the Fort Worth Stockyards for the first time and played billards together for the first time. 2 bonus points. 

6. Make homemade ice cream. Check! Blueberry cheesecake ice cream. It was delicious and a bit messy.

7. Learn to sew. This wasn't even on my list but I did it! So far I've altered a dress for myself, sewn two dresses for Eva, made curtains, place mats, a table runner and put together an entire Halloween costume for Eva. I will award myself 2 additional bonus points for this category.

So as any smart teacher could see, I met all of my bucket list goals and had 10 extra bonus points!!! I might be an overachiever but it probably helped that I set attainable expectations. I feel like I've discovered how much I love to be adventurous (which is so not like me) and creative (more expected). I'm really proud of myself that I did some things that I never would have expected (like walk across a sky bridge?!?)

Morale of the story: I guess I'm ready to turn 30. I've accomplished my pre-30 dreams. Let's do this.

An Awkward Welcoming

The other day I attended an event. For the sake of respecting the event and the organization behind it, I don't want to share the name. We will just refer to it as "the event." So I had been thinking about attending the event for a few weeks. Someone had mentioned it to me before and said they thought I would really enjoy it. I looked it up and found out when and where it was. The website for the organization had a contact option, so I even took the time to email the coordinator and ask what I needed to do to attend. The website also encourages people who want to attend to "jump right in!" Seems easy, right????

Flash forward to this week. I decided that since I hadn't heard back then it would be fine for me to just go to the event. They had free childcare and I was really happy to get to take Eva. I've been looking for something that will give me encouraging, non-mom time to grow as a person while at the same time giving Eva fun meet-friends time. Eva was really excited when I told that she was going to go and play with some new friends.

So we get there and I figured out where to take her. I was in the processing of dropping her off when they started looking for her name on the list. "Umm, she isn't going to be on a list, " I said. "Oh I'm sure she's here somewhere...." says the nice childcare lady. I'm thinking, NOPE, she is definitley not going to be on that list because nobody ever told me there was a list. "You registered, right?" asks childcare lady. I tell her what I was already thinking, that no I did not, because nobody ever told me that I needed to. So she kindly says that she will take me to the coordinator. I explain who I am (AKA, the mom that didn't register) to the coordinator. She tells me that the event is pretty full, and that there is typically a waiting list. At this point I'm pretty bummed out and Eva is getting impatient and begging to go play. How can I tell her that she might not get to go make friends? The coordinator decides that maybe she can go ahead and let Eva stay. I politely mention that I really don't want to drop Eva off if I won't be able to stay for the event, because to come back after 5 minutes and drag her from fun new friends will be guaranteeing massive toddler sadness. The coordinator says she thinks it will probably be okay.

She walks me down to meet the Boss Lady in charge of the event. Boss Lady looks very confused at why I would possibly show up for the event if I hadn't registered. I mentioned that I did email her, to which she remarks that it probably went to her junk mail. Okay.....so I'm awkwardly standing there with Boss Lady while she tries to decide what to do. I'm trying to be nice, and tell her that I understand if there isn't any room to stay, but that I'd love to even sit in the back if that is an option. I also mention that my child will be heartbroken to have to leave new friends minutes after meeting them. She is clearly worried that there won't be room or that going against the policy might cause a nuclear explosion, although she assures me that she "wants me to feel welcomed." At this point I am trying so hard to be polite and understanding although I really just wanted to cry. I hate feeling awkward. I hate feeling like an inconvenience. I wanted to just grab my child and quietly slip away but I also really wanted to stay. The whole point of "jumping in" to this experience was to have fun and learn!

Finally, Boss Lady tells me that there is room at one of the tables. I take a seat at a table and get ready for the event. And here is the redeeming part - the event is TOTALLY AWESOME! The women I sat with were super friendly and welcoming. I really liked what I learned about and what we did. I can totally see why people would recommend this organization because it was really great! Also Eva was so happy when I picked her up and had done a cute little craft.

So what is my purpose to this blog? It really isn't to vent about my experience, because it was overall very positive and I ended up being so glad I went. I wanted to share my story to say that it taught me an important lesson in being welcoming. Whether it is at church, or hosting youth group, or having anybody ever in my home, I want them to feel welcomed. I never want anybody to ever feel like they are an inconvenience or that there isn't room for them. I would rather give up my chair or my meal or my time than ever have walk away feeling left out. Thankfully, I am used to awkward situations in my life and I feel like I have a decent ability to shake it off and keep putting myself out there. I am also able to understand that their reaction wasn't personal, they were probably just thrown for a loop and didn't know what to say. That's okay. I really did enjoy that morning and I am thankful for the opportunity to learn about making people feel comfortable.

Moral of the story: Be nice to new people. Show them they belong. That's how everybody deserves to feel.