My story {praising through post partum pain}

I've been wanting to share my story for a long time. This past year, well really longer than that, has been so hard for me. Hard physically. Hard emotionally. Every time I sit in stillness with God, whether driving in the car or in my glider gazing out the window, I feel the call of God urging me to share. I've had a handful of people who know me actually tell me "use your blog to share." I have wanted to write and give my testimony for the past year, but so often I'm too exhausted to even look at the computer. And I kept thinking I don't even know where to start or what to write. I kept praying about this and finally felt God urging, "Start at the beginning. And start now. Because somebody else needs this, now."

Most people in our lives know that back in March 2014 we had an early miscarriage. I shared my heart about it in this post, which was so healing. Writing is very therapeutic. But it was still a scar on my heart. A few months later I got pregnant again with Jensen, which was awesome and an answered prayer, yet it was still hard. I struggled with that feeling of knowing that I could only have Jensen because we lost the other baby. I would remember the trauma of going through the physical act of miscarrying. And my body was in immense physical pain.

I thought that the pain was all pregnancy related. My OB and chiropractor both thought it was either related to scar tissue from my c-section with Eva or that Jensen was probably pushing on a nerve. It was constant, all over body pain and headaches that would rarely go away, along with consistent "morning sickness". I would have to have Eva sit in the bathroom with me in the dark with a flashlight so I could take warm baths to try to lessen the pain and my headaches. I tried any medications that were safe. I tried different types of massage. I tried heat, I tried cold. Some things help but the pain would always return. I would rock in my glider, the very one I'm sitting in now, and pray with a thankful heart for the little man God was creating inside of me, while also praying fiercely that the pain would decrease.

When I went into preterm labor with Jensen I received a shot to stop my contractions. It worked but it gave me a terrible headache, as did the medicine I took for an extra week to keep him inside. Then even after I delivered him my biggest pain hurdles were massive headaches. When they would come check on me in the hospital I remember saying that my incision pain was like a 2 but my headaches were like an 8. Nothing helped.

Over the past 9 months I've continued to struggle with all over body pain and headaches. I've also struggled with post partum depression. Post partum depression can intensify pain. Pain can intensify depression. Antidepressants can also cause headaches. It's a terrible cycle. At times my body would hurt so much that I wasn't sure I could walk all the way to Jensen's room to nurse him in the night. I haven't been able to carry him much. I was drained and exhausted all the time and would have to spend any time I could manage lying down and resting. I was extremely irritable all the time and didn't want to do much of anything, because I felt so bad.

I've been to way more doctors than I would have ever wanted to. I was diagnosed with fibramyalgia and migraines but no one could tell me why my body was in so much pain. I go to the chiropractor every week. I went counseling to help process through my feelings related to my miscarriage, the scary experience of having Jensen early, depression, and to help deal with every day stress.  I was eating "healthy" {I'll explain more later...}. The neurologist wanted to put me on 4 different medications but none of them were safe while breastfeeding so I declined since I didn't even know for sure that they would actually help. Nursing Jensen is a joy for me so I was not willing to give that up on the off chance that a medicine could maybe help.

Then about a few months ago my sister in law suggested that I be tested for MTHFR, which is a genetic condition. I'm not going to explain all about it, but it is fairly common. Some of the symptoms that can be manifested for MTHFR are miscarriage, depression, migraines, chronic pain....hmmm, that sure did sound like my life. I tested positive for it which suddenly seemed to explain so much. Part of MTHFR relates to the way your body is able to process much needed nutrients. I had been taking vitamins with folic acid, which your body needs daily, except that my body is actually HARMED by folic acid. So my body was very depleted of nutrients. Not only that but pregnancy as well as the loss of pregnancy are huge factors for depleting your body. Basically my body and soul felt awful because the inside of my body was way out of wack and depleted of really important nutrients.

I've made some changes to help restore my body and mind. I've been completely gluten free for 2 whole months now!!!! Like even at Thanksgiving. Gluten is linked in various ways to all sorts of things, like migraines, depression, brain fog, and gut problems. I also went for about a month without any dairy and now am careful to really limit dairy, as it is linked to inflammation. I started taking ID life supplements to help rebalance the nutrients my body needs. I still go to the chiropractor a few times a week and I found a counselor that I LOVE.

For a long time I kept thinking that I wanted to wait and share all this once I was completely, 100% healed and back to "perfect" condition. That hasn't happened yet, so maybe it's good for me to share all this in the middle of my struggles. My experience has really been that it can be really difficult to find the help you need...whether that be getting the right antidepressants, figuring out what blood work or diet you need to be one, finding the right person to talk to, or knowing which doctor to ask which questions. You have to be so persistent to get healthy and when you feel low, that is overwhelming.

My prayer life and walk with the Lord isn't perfect. Even though I'm married to a pastor. That's okay. I've learned so much this year about God's grace and goodness and am so relieved that I don't have to have it all together. I just have to keep turning back to Jesus. So that's what I do. When my body is in pain, I call out to Jesus. When I want to guard my speech so I don't completely lose my temper at my child, I whisper "Jesus give me the words." In the stillness I pray for wisdom and that my faith would increase. I thank God that my emotions are just temporary but He is who His Word says He is. I find hope in Jesus through the encouragement of friends and family, through songs lyrics, through teaching my daughter simple Bible stories. God wants us to receive his promises with child-like faith, and sometimes that comes from reading a child's Bible, so simple and yet full of truth. I love reading about how God chose young, small David to defeat the giant Goliath. Or a simple, unmarried teenager to become the mother of our Savior. I am thankful that Jesus praised the poor widow who gave 2 coins out of love more than those who gave more out of arrogance. Hmm, a lot of Bible stories sure point out God's ability to do something amazing for His kingdom with someone who on the surface isn't the biggest or the best or the most perfect. All of those people were just willing to obey and love the Lord. There are days when looking at a never ending pile of laundry or figuring out what to cook for dinner might make me cry, but always, ALWAYS I love Jesus. That's enough for God.

Some days I feel guilty for my struggles, because I know that I have much more fullness in my life than some people. I have a safe home, and a husband who loves me even on the days when I probably act very unlovable and two beautiful children who want to be near me every second of every day, even when I'm doing something as mundane as brushing my teeth. And yet, my struggles are real. If you're reading this and struggling, know that your struggles are real too!

So this is my story. I know God isn't finished with it yet. Thanks for reading.

Growing a Baby

I wrote a few posts during my pregnancy that included week by week comparisons of my growing baby bump. I made sure to take a weekly photo and have finally put them all together in a slideshow. I think it is AMAZING to see how a woman's body grows and changes and a real human is growing inside.

Make a free photo slideshow When I looked back at all these photos it honestly made me miss being pregnant. I know, my husband must be shaking his head in disbelief. Yes, my pregnancy seemed LONG and was filled with painful, uncomfortable months. I just miss the beauty of growing a child inside. I miss feeling little baby kicks. I miss the anticipation of what is to come. Don't worry, husband, I agree that we are *probably* done having babies. We are blessed with two sweet, beautiful, healthy children and I think for my heart that will be enough. I will just rejoice when friends get to experience this wonderful, hard, always worth it miracle.

Friday Thoughts

I was going to do a "Five on Friday" posting but I'm not sure how many things I have to blog about today so instead I just decided to compile some photos with some thoughts. Here we go....
1. Last Friday we took Eva bowling at Main Event for a family day. We realized that with the holidays we hadn't really done a special family day since we went to the zoo back in November. Bowling with a three year old is cute. She really liked it although she did get worn out about half way through. We probably won't get to do a lot more things like this for a while so I'm glad we took her and got to giggle at how funny it is to watch a small person carry a 6lb bowling ball.

2. This photo is pretty much how my week felt. Upside down. I started having real contractions on Monday so we got to spend several hours Monday night at the hospital and then have made multiple doctor trips this week. Basically Jensen is doing fine but I have to take yucky medicine to try to delay labor and am not supposed to do a lot. I'm not on strict bed rest but I'm not supposed to run a bunch of errands or clean my house or anything, just mostly hangout out sitting or lying down for the next 10 days. It could be much worse, but it is still driving me crazy a bit. Thankfully, I can say that in all the craziness of this week, I have really not been worried about Jensen. Maybe for a couple of minutes when I walked into the labor and delivery room and saw that tiny newborn crib box next to the bed, but really overall I have so much peace about him. All through this pregnancy I have felt that peace. Everything may not be perfect or go just like I have planned it, but I've really always had that peace of Christ that Jensen was created by God and that I don't need to worry about him.

3. Which brings me to my next point - marry well. If I could give young girls one piece of advice it would be to always seek God and spend time with him. If I could give a second piece of advice it would be to think carefully about who you choose to date and marry. Our marriage isn't perfect but I am so thankful that I decided to marry Ryan Bradley. Even though he has been given a lot of extra responsibility at work he has still tried so hard to help out with everything at home this week. He knows that it is hard for me to let go of the home and he been such a huge blessing. Last night he vacuumed, made dinner and folded the laundry just so that I wouldn't be stressing about these things getting done.  This morning he got up and took Eva on a date to go get donuts and run around at Cabelas. My love language has always been quality time but I'm starting to see that I also really appreciate acts of service. I may resist a bit when he tells me to stop doing things and rest but on the inside I love and appreciate him so much.

4. They say it takes a village to raise a child. They were right. Especially my child and especially when I can't do a whole lot. We are always surrounded by so many people who love and will help with Eva, but it has been especially helpful this week. It is hard for me to ask for help with Eva because I'm her mom and I want to be the one who is able to do everything for her in just the way I know she needs it done. But sometimes you have to call in for backup. I really appreciate all the family and friends who have offered to help us out over the past week.

5. I had to throw this one in here. Eva may not be the next picasso, but she has just recently started drawing stick figures to represent people. She drew this one this week and said, "It's my Daddy. He likes blue." I realize that there are some way more advanced artists out in the land of preschool but I was proud that she did this on her own and put thought into it.

6. Does anybody else ever feel like raising little people is hard work? Oh my goodness. I love this girl. More than anything. But some days....she can raise the bar on throwing a fit. I've read up a lot lately on the best way to respond to kids in the midst of their "I'm-crying-because-you-wiped-up-water-beneath-my-paper-so-I-had-to-wait-to-use-the-marker" emotional breakdown.  I just want to share this so that other parents reading this can remember that they aren't the only ones. Based on what I've read our kids will probably turn out to be normal, functioning humans who don't melt down when their bandaids fall off their fingers.

7. Finally, I ask for prayer. Please pray for this big girl who is so excited to meet "her new baby" but isn't quite sure how to navigate being anxious over the changes in our home and having to let her Mama rest so much. Pray that her little heart doesn't doubt that our love for her never changes and that her brain doesn't melt when she is allowed to watch way too much TV. And pray for the tiny one inside that giant belly, that he will be able to stay in there and grow a bit longer, and then he would be born so healthy and strong because he will need to be strong to keep up with his sister. Lastly, pray for the tired Mama who loves her babies so, so much and is trying to balance life.

Baby Lunch

Last Saturday my best friends and I went to lunch to celebrate baby Jensen. We decided to go to The Chestnut Tree in Denton. I have not been there in years, probably since Ryan and I lived in Denton, so it was really nice to get to go back to an old favorite. My lunch was delicious, but my friendship with these girls is even more wonderful. We have been friends for 10 years now and I am really thankful to have each of them in my life. 

To make lunch extra special they brought in a vase of sunflowers - my favorite!- and ordered a chocolate raspberry cake for us all to split. 

They also spoiled me and Jensen with a couple of presents....one of which is supposed to be arriving in the mail soon. I can't wait to see what it is and open it! Nothing like lingering suspense.... Thanks so much friends!

Proof of our forever long friendship :) Before real life, husbands, or babies. I probably posted this on my MySpace page back in the day.

50 days

Bump Pics: weeks 27-32

50 days. That is the most possible time we have left until Jensen is born. We have our c-section date scheduled and are counting down the days. 50 million weeks. That is how pregnant I feel right now. Ahhh, I just feel so many mixed emotions right now. In some ways I am so ready to be done but in other ways it feels like it will happen all too soon. Here is my 32 week update:

*Pants: They are necessary to stay warm but gosh I am so tired of wearing them. This is definitely the downside of being pregnant in winter. With Eva I could wear dresses the last month or so. I got some stretchy maternity "workout" pants back in November and these are my best bet. And by "workout" clearly I mean sleeping or bending down to pick up everything I drop.

*Sleep: I remember from being pregnant with Eva that sleep at the end of pregnancy is like a cruel joke. Your body is exhausted, you know you are going to be even more tired when the baby comes, you feel like you could literally fall over asleep at 7PM and yet at bedtime it is so hard to actually fall asleep and stay asleep, even when I am wearing my comfortable "workout" pants.

* Restless Legs and Leg Cramps: yay.

* Morning All day sickness: Yep, still there.

* Heartburn: I really didn't  have this with Eva so it was a fun surprise to wake up in the middle of the night with this. 

* Mid-night snacks: I've held off on this as long as possible but the past week I've started waking up starving in the middle of the night. Nothing like enjoying a bowl of cereal in the dark at 2AM. Gives you lots of time to think  :) 

I write all of this really not to complain, but to help me remember 3 months from now when I'm suddenly missing being pregnant. It's funny how quickly you forget the discomforts of pregnancy once you are loving on a cuddly newborn. 

Lots of people are asking me, "So are you ready?"  Hmm, let's define ready. We have a pack and play in the closet. I know the location of the pack and play sheets, although I should probably wash them. I have a few packs of diapers and LOTS of tiny boy clothes. I guess that's enough to be considered "ready." We cleaned out and organized the nursery after Christmas and I still have lots to get and do in there before it is really ready for me to enjoy for him. I think I'm supposed to register with the hospital soon and should probably look into packing a hospital bag in the coming weeks. And then there is the emotional aspect of being "ready." I am ready to kiss my baby. I'm not quite ready for the big life change of having a new person in our family. Honestly when I think about taking care of two kids it kind of overwhelms me. I know lots of moms have done it and we will adjust and things will be fine. It just kind of freaks me out. Also when I think about only have 50 days left with just us and Eva it makes me cry. Alot. I love her sooooo much and I don't want our relationship to change. I worry about her feeling left out or jealous. I hate that she has to be away from us for 3 nights when I'm in the hospital, especially knowing that even when we are all together back home things will be so different. I know having a sibling will be so good for her and ultimately she will love him and have so much fun with him. I know she will adjust and still feel loved and become an awesome helper. I'm just trying to soak in the last weeks of getting time with just me and her. I've also really enjoyed having some extra time with Ryan over the holidays. He is such a good husband and I know the extra stress that a newborn puts on your marriage so I'm thankful for the time we've had to just relax and laugh. 

I've been told that one day we will look back and hardly be able to image what our life was like before Jensen. I am looking forward to making sweet new memories as a family of four. The countdown is on....

Maternity Photo Shoot

The day after Thanksgiving we set up with my friend Erica to take a few maternity photos. Erica is not a professional photographer - just a friend with a great camera - yet I was SO IMPRESSED and OVERJOYED with how these photos came out. Thanks Erica for capturing this sweet time for our family! I know how even now it is special for me to look back at my maternity photos with Eva and explain to her how God was creating her inside of me. I want my children to know how happy I was to be pregnant with them even when it was hard. It's also such a unique time to be able to embrace that your body is changing...and expanding...because it is growing a human in there! I love that our culture now thinks it is beautiful show off the pregnant belly because it really is so amazing!

 {Not a maternity photo...but soooo cute, could you blame me for including this one?}

3rd Trimester {26 weeks}

Bump Pics: Weeks 21-26

In case you're wondering, the secret is out. I am pregnant. Apparently extremely pregnant. You know you're starting to really pop out when people start to say things like, "Wow. How much longer do you have?" or the even more considerate joke "You sure there is only one baby in there?" Hahaha....I'm sorry, is there any other time when it is polite to joke about how round a woman's belly is? No? Then it's probably not okay to say anything even semi-rude to a very emotional pregnant woman. When I made this collage and compared how I look now to how I looked even at 8 weeks (back when I already thought I was so big) it makes me a little bit scared but I still wanted to post because I know that when I look back it really will be incredible to see how Jensen is growing inside of me. Just Jensen. NOT Jensen plus a twin. And here is the best news ever - I only have 3 months to go! 13 weeks. That's it. This makes me so happy at the same time and also a bit sad because this will probably be the last time I'm pregnant. Ryan laughed when I said that and told me I couldn't be happy AND sad, that I had to pick one. I told him of course I can be happy and sad at the same time, that's what being pregnant is all about. Here's how I am doing at 26 weeks:
* We can see Jensen actually moving from the outside. We are in me and Ryan and Eva. It was really cool because we were having a family movie night and all the sudden I was like, "Look! My stomach is moving all around!"
* I feel like there can't possibly be any more room for him to grow in there. I feel jabbed and kicked and squished all the time.
*...which makes me feel really out of breath. Sitting, standing, lying down. There just isn't any room for anyting.
*....which actually makes me eat way less food. I make jokes about eating for two (which I AM allowed to say because I AM the one who is pregnant) but in reality, I do not eat much more than I would if I wasn't pregnant. I just feel full really quickly. There are times when my body actually feels hungry but I feel like I couldn't possibly eat food because there isn't any room. I ate way more food when I was pregnant with Eva.
* Even though I feel and look quite pregnant, I'm actually still way beneath my ending weight from when I was pregnant with Eva. I don't understand how all of that works. I know I still have time to catch up but I feel like I will end up weighing less at the end with Jensen but probably looking like my belly sticks out much further.
*....so I am taking maternity photos soon. Since I'm already in my final trimester I figured I would like how the photos look more by taking them now. Plus it will only be getting colder outside.
* I am still in pain most days and I STILL feel nauseous. I've also had leg cramps and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions. Good news, this can only possibly last 13 more weeks. We are doing a scheduled c-section at the beginning of week 39 so I know that by that time I will feel better different.
* I know that having a 3 1/2 year old and a newborn will be hard. Life will be crazy and chaotic. I will be really, really tired. Then I think about how much I love Eva. How sweet her little cheeks are when I sneak in to give her one last kiss goodnight. How I adore holding her tiny hand in mine when we cross the street. How I could literally give her a million hugs and kisses each day. And THAT is the reason why I am most excited to have Jensen. To get to live those sweet amazing moments all over again.

Finally the BEST news - Ryan and I took a quick "babymoon" this past week. We didn't go anywhere for our anniversary back in July because I was so sick, and we decided not to drive too far because I get so uncomfortable in the car...but we did spend an overnight away in romantic, exotic Frisco, Texas. Ha, ok so maybe it's not so exotic. It was fun and romantic to have a night away! We got to go to dinner, catch a movie, stay in a hotel, and do some shopping the next day. I really enjoyed my time away with him, especially knowing we won't get to go away just us again for a long time.

Old Wives Tales

Okay just for fun I decided to take a photo of me at 23 weeks with Jensen to compare to me in the same dress at 20 weeks with Eva {I was going to wear this to church this Sunday but it was FREEZING so I just changed up for the sake of the photo}. I also thought it would be interesting to try to verify or debunk some of the familiar boy vs. girl old wives tales. Before I knew what I was having I probably googled these once a week to try to get a better guess. Here is what I have discovered....

Myth 1: If you carry low and front, it's a boy. If you carry high and wide, it's a girl.
Truth: In comparing these photos I would say that I am carrying Jensen a bit lower but not very much, and still more wide than front. Maybe I'm carrying low and wide?  I definietly do not have classic "small basketball bump" that people would picture for a boy. So I would say that this myth is FALSE for me.
Myth 2: If your skin is more beautiful, it's a boy. If your skin breaks out more, it's a girl.
Truth: Most days I feel like I look like I am going through puberty. I was the exact same with Eva. So again, FALSE.
Myth 3: A heart beat over 140 bpm is a girl. A lower heart beat is a boy.
Truth: Jensen's heart beat has gone from being in the 170's to 160's and now is still always over 140. Eva was always over 140. False.
Myth 4: No morning sickness, it's a boy. Lots of morning sickness, it's a girl.
Truth. I've been sick for at least 20 weeks with both pregnancies. Ready for Jensen to give me a break here....False. 
Myth 5: The Chinese gender predictor.
Truth: This test said that Eva would be a boy and Jensen would be a girl. Double false.
Myth 6: If you crave salty foods, it's a boy. If you crave sweets, it's a girl.
Truth: Generally for me I will say that this one is TRUE. I eat way more savory foods than sweets right now. With Eva I ate ice cream all the time, but I was also 9 months pregnant during the hottest summer in Texas history.
Myth 7: If you find yourself clumsier, it's a boy.
Truth: I am WAY clumsy. So right now I would say true. But I was also clumsy with Eva.
Myth 8: If you tie a ring to a string and hold over your belly, a boy will make it move in a circle or a girl will make it move back and forth.
Truth: I am pretty sure I have telepathic powers here. I can literally make it move whichever way I am thinking about. False.

All this to say, I have found most of these predictors to be pretty inconsistent. It seems more likely that you will have similar symptoms for your pregnancies than for each individual sign to be a good predictor. Either that or Jensen will surprise us and be a girl....but I am 99% sure won't happen :)

Half Way There {20 weeks}

Bump Pics: Weeks 14-20

Last weekend I hit the 20 week mark for this pregnancy, so I am now over half way done! I am planning to do a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks, so really at this point I only have 19 weeks left. Woo-hoo! Okay but really I go back and forth between being soooo happy to be half way there and so happy to still have a good 4 months to just enjoy having only Eva. I figure most moms feel like that.
How am I doing? I am feeling a bit optimistic....
* Way less "morning sickness" Still some but not as bad as it was or as bad as it could be.
* Way less pain in general. Hooray! A lot of my nerve pain seems to be getting better, hopefully because I am working with my Dad, a rolfer, and also another great chiropractor who specializes in working with pregnant women. Less pain makes me much happier.
* Less hungry. Don't get me wrong here, I still expect to eat every 2-3 hours but I feel like in general I'm not as starving all the time as I used to be.
* Very short of breath. This can happen regardless of whether I am sitting, standing, or even lying down. I am not a big fan of feeling this way but again, it could be way worse.
* Still forgetful. The other day I ran into CVS to get allergy medicine. I went straight for the Tylenol and bought that instead. Then I walked right back in and returned it. #pregnancybrain
* Still clumsy. I drop ice on the floor every.single.time I get some out of the freezer. 
* I feel like my bump is much bigger than it probably actually is. Does that make sense? It seems to take over my body and I feel my clothes getting more snug every week but looking at pictures maybe it isn't quite as massive as it feels? Also I think I look more pregnant from the front than from just side photos.
* I am going to need to shop for some fall maternity clothes soon. You know early on in pregnancy when you think "Oh I can totally wear these loose tops as I get bigger," and then as you get bigger those tops seem to shrink in your closet? Yeah, my closet has definitely been shrinking some of my non-maternity clothes. Right now our weather is still back and forth between warm and cold days, so I am going to give it a few more weeks but I will need to get some fall clothes soon.
* I cleaned out the last of our "who-the-heck-knows-what-to-do-with-this-stuff" moving boxes out of the nursery last weekend. My parents are giving us an old dresser that I am planning to redo in red chalk paint and then I might work on sewing some curtains. I love planning out nursery decor!
* I feel Jensen moving around all the time :) This is THE BEST PART of being pregnant. {Aside from the excuse to eat extra State Fair food!} I think I could feel him now and then starting around week 14, but over the past week the movement has picked up so much! I love it! I love thinking of him healthy and wiggly, having fun and growing bigger every day.

 

This is totally my life right now. We go through toilet paper like crazy, and I know it's all me. Even Eva will say, "But you just went potty!" That's life as a pregnant lady.

Gender Reveal Party

We were so excited to tell the world about our Jensen, but beforehand we decided that we wanted to do a couple of fun gender reveals. Since we just did a party for Eva's birthday we didn't want to go all out, we just wanted a special way to tell special people. Let me say, keeping this secret was soooo hard! I wanted to tell everyone the moment we found out. I can't believe I didn't bust and tell my mom. I was able to call a few close friends right away because I knew we wouldn't be seeing them so it helped to at least share my secret with them.

Thursday night we hosted our small group and I usually make a snack or dessert so I thought it would be fun to do a gender reveal cake. I dyed the inside blue (for a boy) and topped it with about 5 lbs of sprinkles! 

Haha, you can't actually tell in this photo, but the inside of the cake really was blue. It was so much fun to do this! Even though I already knew what was inside I really liked that moment of suspense when everyone is excited to find out. It was almost like finding out for myself all over again!

Saturday night we gathered with family at Ryan's parent's house. We invited my parents too. My amazing mother in-law had these decorations set up when we arrived and I'm so glad she did - I hadn't even thought to get anything cute to decorate.

For the reveal we hid a tiny onesie and a pair of blue shoes and made everybody look for a "clue" about what we were having. We hid it in the bottom of a house plant and it was hysterical because it took them so long to find it. Somebody would come over and look through the plant, but I guess not quite close enough because it took many people looking before anybody found anything. I don't know why, but I felt so nervous right before...obviously our family was going to be happy either way!  I'm also so surprised that Eva kept the whole thing quiet. We told her that if anybody asked to tell them "no way!" and that is what she did.

Ah! I'm so glad we did these little things to celebrate Jensen. It really wasn't anything huge, but it was so good to celebrate after such a hard first half of this pregnancy. And babies are always worth celebrating! Thanks to our friends and family for going along with our silliness and being so happy for us!

To my little boy

Dear Jensen Bruce,
Ahh, I am already so excited just by typing out your sweet name. We found out last week that you are a precious baby boy. Although I love little girls and bows, I am truly so happy and excited that you are a boy. I know nothing about boys, except that I married your Daddy, so you will have to teach me how to be a fun boy mom. I may not be great at getting dirty or playing with cars and legos, but maybe you can teach me some of those things along the way. A few nights ago I was thinking about how it suddenly just made sense..our family needed a little boy to mix things up around here. God must have a wonderful plan for you and us already!

One of things we have noticed about you already is that already during your sonograms you are not quite as active as Eva always was. You will move and wiggle a bit, but maybe you will be a calming balance to our home? That would be okay with me. I am already looking forward to seeing you play with me and Daddy and Eva. Sometimes it's hard to imagine what our life will look like as a family of four but I believe that once you get here it will be like you are the perfect little piece that our family has been waiting on. Is it February yet????

I will confess that I am pretty picky when it comes to little boy clothes but I have already shopped around and picked out a couple of new things for you. I love the idea of dressing you like Daddy in lots of polos and tiny little man button-up shirts. I will miss buying tiny ruffles and dresses, but I have already embraced helping you always have a ruggedly handsome style.

We all love you already. Keep growing and we will hold you soon!

love,
Mama

For those in need of grace

 I blog a lot about all of the great things we do as a family, and I absolutely love sharing ideas for learning and the awesome things I get to do at home with Eva. I try really, really, REALLY hard to be an active involved mom. When I picture my years at home with Eva, I want to see lots of doing and laughing and creating. But some days....I am just in need of some grace.

This past summer was filled with lots of change and good moments, but it was also so very hard. I am not hear to complain about being pregnant, but to be honest this pregnancy has been rough on me. I have been in so much physical pain and been struggling through so many awful days of "morning sickness," the kind that somehow can last until late at night.

It has been really hard for me to learn to let go of some of the vision I see for myself as a mom. I want a clean house. I want healthy, home cooked meals. I want way more playing than TV watching. And to be honest, I haven't been able to live up to my own expectations for myself. I've had to accept that the house may not be as spotless as I would like. We aren't living in filth and my home probably looks like a realistic picture of most homes, with crumbs on the table, spots on the floor, and bathrooms that could use a good wipe down. I buy more frozen meals and we eat off paper plates more often than I would want to admit. And the TV....I feel like I'm in a constant inner battle with that darn TV. Truly, though, there are moments when standing up to put in a DVD is the most active thing I can do when I am battling sickness. The other day I was even feeling so awful that I drank a Coke. I do not like soda at all, I am trying to limit my caffeine in general, and I can already imagine how it is deteriorating my insides. But I had such a terrible headache that Eva and I were literally just having to sit quietly in the dark and watch a movie. That was all I could handle. I even made her read me a bed time story instead of me reading to her. I had tried every single natural, more healthy remedy but nothing was helping. Finally I resorted to a suggestion to try 2 Tylenol with some Coke. And it worked.

In the midst of all these seemingly long months of feeling sick and exhausted, I am trying to learn to give myself some grace. Above all else, I am pretty sure that my daughter and my husband still feel loved and taken care of. Ryan usually has clean clothes to wear and Eva would be content wearing the same pajamas for a week straight. Most nights I can still get dinner on the table, even if it looks like reheated pizza with a salad or apples to make it seem healthier. Eva's brain will probably not be completely melted from the amount of times she has watched Finding Nemo or The Lion King. And it is just for a season of life. Sometimes on the hard days you have to look at the give and take of the bigger picture...drinking 4 oz of Coke and being able to function is probably worth it.

Why am I sharing all this? For the others mamas out there who are in the same place I am. For moms who for whatever reason need encouragement that sometimes "good enough" really is good enough. I read an awesome blog post that shared that one of the most important thing you can do for your small kids (and probably your husband) is to share lots of snuggles and personal time. {I wish I could link to it but of course I can't find it anywhere now. Oh well, at least I remembered the main point.} I would agree that my husband would rather a happy wife who can greet him with a smile than spotless floors. My family benefits more from me sitting down to eat with them off a paper plate than from me exhausting myself to cook an amazing dinner. And Eva feels perfectly loved snuggled up in my arms watching her favorite movies. One of the sweetest moments came the other night when I was terribly, awful sick, had given up on getting her to go to sleep in her room, and let her come lie down with me in my bed. I had a washcloth on my forehead and had basically bargained with her that she could lie down next to me until Ryan got home if she was very quiet and did not move the bed at all. With tears in my eyes I whispered, "Eva, I'm sorry that I feel sick a lot." Her response? She sang me the sweetest Jesus Love Me I've ever heard and then asked me if that helped me feel better. Yep.

So go ahead. Serve pizza one more night if you need to. Let those crumbs under the kitchen table wait until tomorrow. Watch Nemo one more time on those days when you are trying your best and just need some grace. Love your family. No judgement here.

Goodbye First Trimester.

 Bump pics : Weeks 8-13

I am finally out of my first trimester and today we had another healthy doctor's appointment. It is always such a relief to hear a strong heartbeat. I feel like this time around my tiny bump popped out by 10 weeks, although thankfully I made it through the first part of pregnancy with only a few extra pounds so far. Here are a few fun stories from the beginning of this baby bump....

Telling Ryan

I honestly didn't really think I was pregnant. I knew there was a possibility but I just didn't "feel pregnant" back in June. One afternoon we were packing and I decided to just take a quick test to make sure. Right away, POSITIVE. I was surprised and laughed. Then I went down stairs and told Ryan who also laughed. We just weren't expecting all of that to happen 5 days before we moved! 

Telling Our Families

We shared the big news with both of our families when they came to help us on our moving day. We showed them each around the house and ended with showing them the baby's room. Surprise!

Telling Eva

We actually told Eva about a month ago. It was kind of early to be telling her, but we decided that it would help her understand why I had been so sick. She could tell that something was different because I'm usually super active and involved with her and had mostly been laying down. She was so excited and has seen the baby twice at the doctor's office with us. I love that she talks to it and rubs my tummy.

 How I'm Doing
* Hungry. Since the very beginning I've been very hungry most of the time. I feel like I'm constantly eating, but it's probably more like 6-8 small meals/snacks a day, and I can never eat much at one time.
* Food cravings: Cheese, bread, bread with cheese, Starbuck's breakfast sandwiches, crab wantons, ice water with lemon, all Mexican food, Olive Garden soup and salad, Jersey Mike's sandwiches, extreme ice water with lemon, juice, chocolate milk, cereal, onions. I rarely ever want to eat anything sweet, normally I love sugar. I go back and forth with coffee, some days I can enjoy a cup and other days even the scent makes me mad.
* Nauseous. I will be okay when this goes away! It is not fun to be nauseous and hungry. That makes me open the refrigerator and cry while staring at food I do not want to eat.
* Forgetful. My brain feels like mush and I find myself not remembering stuff all the time. A few weeks ago I cooked sweet potatoes and remembered they were still in the over 3 days later. Mush.
* In pain. This has been the hardest part for me. I have really bad nerve pain all over my body. It is usually constant, all day, all night pain that brings me to tears. I feel silly saying that but it is so hard to be in pain all over, every single day. My doctor today did some extra blood work and is recommending that I try massage therapy to see if it will help. Aside from praying for a healthy baby, this is my biggest prayer request. I went and started refloxology massage yesterday and so far it has been helpful.
* Emotional. I cry pretty often and I may have forgotten how irritable I can become when pregnant. It's a weird place to be when you are so happy to be carrying a baby, yet so easily frustrated with life.

* Mixed maternity fashion. I bought a pair of maternity shorts when I was only like 7 weeks pregnant and that was one of the best decisions of my life. I wear them almost every day. As far as tops I'm at the point where most regular tops are getting too small but most maternity tops are still too big. I have about 3 decent outfits that I wear right now, so if you see me in the same outfit every week, feel free to tell me how amazing I look. I know that I will need the majority of my maternity clothes for months with cooler temperatures so I am waiting until then to purchase anything else.
* 5 weeks to go until....we find out the gender of the baby! I go back and forth a lot on my instinct so I probably have no clue. If I had to say, I would pick boy. I really love our girl name though, so I would be bummed not to use it. Other than that, we would really be happy either way. Yes most people say that. We actually mean it.
* What I'm looking forward to most....holding this child in my arms. I want to cherish every moment of being pregnant, but some days it is hard. That's reality. I just keep my eyes and my heart on the end goal. I am also excited to feel the baby move and to see Eva be a big sister.

A home big enough for FOUR

Surprise! I'm finally ready to share a post about buying our new home along with our other big announcement! Are you ready for this amazing story?????

 {Play Room}

Back at the beginning of June, we had been planning to stay in our previous townhouse. We liked the location and decided that we would probably sign a lease for another year. We had been trying for another baby, but decided that maybe it wouldn't happen for a while. The week we were going to resign our lease, we found out some information about our townhouse that made us wonder if maybe we should start looking for a home.

{Kitchen}

So on a Thursday afternoon I put in a call to my best friend's mom, who happens to be a realtor. At this point we were interested in looking, but really not set either way. She found a few homes in our area and sent us a link to look at them. Honestly, we didn't have tons of options. Based on the location we needed for ministry and our price range, we were able to find four houses. We decided on Friday that we would go look at the houses on Saturday morning, and if we liked something - great - and if not maybe we would have to sign at least a short lease at our old place. 

We ended up absolutely loving the very first house we saw! Based on location and the photos online, this was the one that had jumped out at us most and I liked it the minute we walked in. It had a bigger kitchen than where we had been, a big open living room for us to use for youth ministry, a space for a playroom, big closets, and 3 bedrooms. This was honestly exactly what I had been praying for over the past year. I never wanted a huge home, and when I prayed through what I felt like we would need to have space for children and ministry, this was it.

{Dining Area}

We saw the house around 10 AM Saturday morning and we under contract with it by 5 PM that same night. The housing market out here is hot so we knew we had to make a jump on it fast. We were actually able to make a lower offer than market price - and they accepted it! Part of the benefit of our offer was that we were needing to move by the end of June, so we agreed in our contract to close in only 3 weeks! This was a plus for the buyer because they were already living out of state and the house was empty.

{Living Room}

Buying a home includes so much paperwork and we had to really work to get it all submitted and approved in time. Wait...did I mention that Ryan was gone for 9 days at camp during this time? So that meant that we had to get things done even faster. 

As we were a few days out from moving - already having boxes packed everywhere we found out that our closing would be pushed back two days due to paperwork...but we had to be out of our old home! We decided to ask the seller if we could rent it from them over a weekend, which our realtor said sellers do not usually prefer to do. I remember just praying and praying as I made dinner that night and we waited to hear back. Then...answered prayer! We found out that they would rent for a few days so we could move out/in as scheduled.

{Master Bedroom}

Here is the best part of the story....I mentioned earlier in the post that we thought we'd have to wait a bit to get pregnant....but 5 days before we moved we found out we were having a BABY!!!! We were so happy and just laughed at God's perfect timing of everything. We are more than thankful to be happily settled into our new home as we are waiting for this baby to arrive.

{Eva's Room}

A big girl room for our big girl! She is so excited to be a big sister! She rubs my belly and talks to the baby all the time. She tries to feed it food through my belly button. She wants to name the baby Grandpa.

In a couple of months we will start working on turning this into an official nursery. Right now Eva is enjoying it as her personal karaoke studio.

After 6 years of marriage...our new home..our growing family. Our sweet baby will be arriving at the end of February!