My story {praising through post partum pain}

I've been wanting to share my story for a long time. This past year, well really longer than that, has been so hard for me. Hard physically. Hard emotionally. Every time I sit in stillness with God, whether driving in the car or in my glider gazing out the window, I feel the call of God urging me to share. I've had a handful of people who know me actually tell me "use your blog to share." I have wanted to write and give my testimony for the past year, but so often I'm too exhausted to even look at the computer. And I kept thinking I don't even know where to start or what to write. I kept praying about this and finally felt God urging, "Start at the beginning. And start now. Because somebody else needs this, now."

Most people in our lives know that back in March 2014 we had an early miscarriage. I shared my heart about it in this post, which was so healing. Writing is very therapeutic. But it was still a scar on my heart. A few months later I got pregnant again with Jensen, which was awesome and an answered prayer, yet it was still hard. I struggled with that feeling of knowing that I could only have Jensen because we lost the other baby. I would remember the trauma of going through the physical act of miscarrying. And my body was in immense physical pain.

I thought that the pain was all pregnancy related. My OB and chiropractor both thought it was either related to scar tissue from my c-section with Eva or that Jensen was probably pushing on a nerve. It was constant, all over body pain and headaches that would rarely go away, along with consistent "morning sickness". I would have to have Eva sit in the bathroom with me in the dark with a flashlight so I could take warm baths to try to lessen the pain and my headaches. I tried any medications that were safe. I tried different types of massage. I tried heat, I tried cold. Some things help but the pain would always return. I would rock in my glider, the very one I'm sitting in now, and pray with a thankful heart for the little man God was creating inside of me, while also praying fiercely that the pain would decrease.

When I went into preterm labor with Jensen I received a shot to stop my contractions. It worked but it gave me a terrible headache, as did the medicine I took for an extra week to keep him inside. Then even after I delivered him my biggest pain hurdles were massive headaches. When they would come check on me in the hospital I remember saying that my incision pain was like a 2 but my headaches were like an 8. Nothing helped.

Over the past 9 months I've continued to struggle with all over body pain and headaches. I've also struggled with post partum depression. Post partum depression can intensify pain. Pain can intensify depression. Antidepressants can also cause headaches. It's a terrible cycle. At times my body would hurt so much that I wasn't sure I could walk all the way to Jensen's room to nurse him in the night. I haven't been able to carry him much. I was drained and exhausted all the time and would have to spend any time I could manage lying down and resting. I was extremely irritable all the time and didn't want to do much of anything, because I felt so bad.

I've been to way more doctors than I would have ever wanted to. I was diagnosed with fibramyalgia and migraines but no one could tell me why my body was in so much pain. I go to the chiropractor every week. I went counseling to help process through my feelings related to my miscarriage, the scary experience of having Jensen early, depression, and to help deal with every day stress.  I was eating "healthy" {I'll explain more later...}. The neurologist wanted to put me on 4 different medications but none of them were safe while breastfeeding so I declined since I didn't even know for sure that they would actually help. Nursing Jensen is a joy for me so I was not willing to give that up on the off chance that a medicine could maybe help.

Then about a few months ago my sister in law suggested that I be tested for MTHFR, which is a genetic condition. I'm not going to explain all about it, but it is fairly common. Some of the symptoms that can be manifested for MTHFR are miscarriage, depression, migraines, chronic pain....hmmm, that sure did sound like my life. I tested positive for it which suddenly seemed to explain so much. Part of MTHFR relates to the way your body is able to process much needed nutrients. I had been taking vitamins with folic acid, which your body needs daily, except that my body is actually HARMED by folic acid. So my body was very depleted of nutrients. Not only that but pregnancy as well as the loss of pregnancy are huge factors for depleting your body. Basically my body and soul felt awful because the inside of my body was way out of wack and depleted of really important nutrients.

I've made some changes to help restore my body and mind. I've been completely gluten free for 2 whole months now!!!! Like even at Thanksgiving. Gluten is linked in various ways to all sorts of things, like migraines, depression, brain fog, and gut problems. I also went for about a month without any dairy and now am careful to really limit dairy, as it is linked to inflammation. I started taking ID life supplements to help rebalance the nutrients my body needs. I still go to the chiropractor a few times a week and I found a counselor that I LOVE.

For a long time I kept thinking that I wanted to wait and share all this once I was completely, 100% healed and back to "perfect" condition. That hasn't happened yet, so maybe it's good for me to share all this in the middle of my struggles. My experience has really been that it can be really difficult to find the help you need...whether that be getting the right antidepressants, figuring out what blood work or diet you need to be one, finding the right person to talk to, or knowing which doctor to ask which questions. You have to be so persistent to get healthy and when you feel low, that is overwhelming.

My prayer life and walk with the Lord isn't perfect. Even though I'm married to a pastor. That's okay. I've learned so much this year about God's grace and goodness and am so relieved that I don't have to have it all together. I just have to keep turning back to Jesus. So that's what I do. When my body is in pain, I call out to Jesus. When I want to guard my speech so I don't completely lose my temper at my child, I whisper "Jesus give me the words." In the stillness I pray for wisdom and that my faith would increase. I thank God that my emotions are just temporary but He is who His Word says He is. I find hope in Jesus through the encouragement of friends and family, through songs lyrics, through teaching my daughter simple Bible stories. God wants us to receive his promises with child-like faith, and sometimes that comes from reading a child's Bible, so simple and yet full of truth. I love reading about how God chose young, small David to defeat the giant Goliath. Or a simple, unmarried teenager to become the mother of our Savior. I am thankful that Jesus praised the poor widow who gave 2 coins out of love more than those who gave more out of arrogance. Hmm, a lot of Bible stories sure point out God's ability to do something amazing for His kingdom with someone who on the surface isn't the biggest or the best or the most perfect. All of those people were just willing to obey and love the Lord. There are days when looking at a never ending pile of laundry or figuring out what to cook for dinner might make me cry, but always, ALWAYS I love Jesus. That's enough for God.

Some days I feel guilty for my struggles, because I know that I have much more fullness in my life than some people. I have a safe home, and a husband who loves me even on the days when I probably act very unlovable and two beautiful children who want to be near me every second of every day, even when I'm doing something as mundane as brushing my teeth. And yet, my struggles are real. If you're reading this and struggling, know that your struggles are real too!

So this is my story. I know God isn't finished with it yet. Thanks for reading.