Pursing Passions

A few months ago I was meeting with my counselor and she was talking to me about figuring out what I'm passionate about. At first I was just like, "Umm, I mean, I guess I'm a mom so I'm passionate about mothering?" I wasn't sure how to respond. It's like when someone (usually not a fellow Stay at Home Mom) asks me what my hobbies are. I go blank. Does washing massive amounts of dishes count as a hobby? Surely not. Ugh. It can make you feel lame.

So I've been praying for God to show me more about what I am passionate about. What stirs my heart? What are areas where, even if I'm not the greatest, I find joy in sharing and talking about with others? In some crazy way, I feel like this "list" that I've come up with actually captures so much of me. Putting it in a list seems a bit silly, because it's not like you just have separate, ranked areas of your heart. But for blogging purposes, this is what I've got.

1. Family. I am intensely focused on the idea behind raising a family that spends time together and loves each other. Yes we fight and drive each other crazy. But one of my desires is to create such a strong bond between Ryan and I and our children. This also extends to our other family. I want my children to grow up really knowing their grandparents. Lucky for us, we have some awesome parents who love our kids like nobody else.

2. Jesus. Okay, before you write this one off as a typical pastor's wife answer, let me share more. I am passionate about a Savior who offers redemption. I am in love with God sending this hope into my dark days. I want my children to know him. I want my friends to know him. I want to encourage my friends that do know him by reminding them to keep seeking him even on the hard days. I want to share Jesus with more and more people. Nothing can change generations of a family more than a heart in love with Jesus.

3. Learning. I almost wrote this one out as home school. Some days I love doing school with Eva, some days I'm kinda ready for her to go somewhere. I don't know. But I am passionate that she gets the opportunity to learn. I enjoy creating lessons. My heart goes pitter patter as I find lessons on Pinterst and print them out and cut things and put little pieces in ziplock bags all in the name of learning.  I enjoy teaching. Usually. Watching her put letter sounds together to figure out words last week was AMAZING.

4. Health. I am super interested in the inter-connectivity of the body. I don't understand the science behind everything, but I am a believer in holistic health. Along with this, I am passionate about nutrition. I've been gluten free for over 3 months now. I almost caved when I saw the latest Olive Garden commercial, but my passion for putting the best in my body to be the healthiest I can be for me family won out. I want to raise kids who are knowledgeable about the foods that fuel their body and not fill them with junk because it's easier. I kinda wish I could go buy a farm and grow all my own fruits and vegetables. Maybe one day. I also think the evolution of food is both fascinating and terrifying. There is so much fake food going into our bodies...ok, stepping off my soap box for now.

5. Finances. Our small group has been going through a Dave Ramsey curriculum and I am passionate about learning to be wise with money. Ryan and I did a similar study early on in our marriage and some of the baby steps we took early on have allowed me to stay home, even though we live off a comparatively small salary (as in compared to the area we live in, not compared to the global economy). I feel empowered when I find ways to stretch dollars and save. I would love to do financial counseling for younger couples or college students...not how to get rich but how to live wisely off what you have.

6. Mom Life. I love the movement for moms to connect to other moms. Mom friendships look different than other relationships. You find yourself chasing children in the middle of conversation, or chatting to your friend on the phone while realizing your are both nursing babies at the same time. I love opportunities to be transparent and share real life with other moms. Almost three years ago I read THIS BLOG POST by another blogging mama where she shared her real, difficult, experience of deciding to take medication to help with post partum anxiety. Even though her story was slightly different from mine, her writing still echoed in my mind when I was deciding whether or not I wanted to try antidepressants after having Jensen. Her open, honest writing helped me make an important decision years later that greatly benefited me and my children. How awesome is that? Which brings me to my last passion...

7. Sharing my voice. Whether through writing or speaking, I feel really called to use my life and my stories to encourage others and to testify of Jesus. Right now that means blogging and sharing when I'm with other moms. In the future...who knows? Sometimes it is a bit scary, but it is also freeing.

These days I am doing everything I can to shift all my focus into these areas. I want to live purposefully for God, and that comes through living out the passions He has laid on my heart.

How does a mother pray?

When many people think about prayer, they probably envision a solemn scene. Maybe you think of the type of prayer in a traditional church, full of a serious tone and rich vocabulary. Maybe you picture a priest saying the prayer, or maybe it is something you think you have to have a special set aside time for. And maybe all of these preconceived notions keep you from actually enjoying the act of prayer.

In my view, prayer is more simple. It is merely the act of sharing my heart and talking to God. It can happen in church, and it can be serious. Or it can happen anytime, anywhere, and about anything! That is how much our creator God loves us. There are no barriers for coming to him. I know little children are often taught to pray with their eyes closed, but sometimes even the act of talking to our God with our eyes open and seeing all He has created can bring praise.

So how then does a mother pray? How do I pray? I love the idea of having a perfect set aside time to read the Bible and talk with God at the same time every day. For me, this just doesn't always happen. You might be saying, but couldn't you wake up extra early and have this special time with the Lord? Yes, I can, and sometimes I do, but honestly my kids have this intense radar. Their radar senses the moments I am awake. It's like their little hearts worry that I will be lonely if they don't wake up as soon as I do. For me to get anything do in the morning, I have to move around like a ninja spy. So early morning quiet times don't always work for me. I try to be intentional about having a quiet time when they are both resting, sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't.

I pray most going throughout my day. The Bible teaches us to "pray without ceasing" and to me this means to keep talking to God all day long. When I'm washing dishes, I pray. When I'm folding laundry, I pray. When I'm mad at my child, and I'm not sure how to discipline in the best way, I cry out to the one who made her and knows her soul even more than I do. I even pray in the bathroom, because sometimes that is the quietest place for me to be. Yesterday I was ready to sit down and read my Bible and pray while my kids were sleeping/playing quietly and Eva started making a lot of distracting noise from her room. So I turned on our bathroom fan, and went and sat inside our bedroom closet so I could have some precious time to talk to God.

My point in sharing all of this is to simply encourage you to pray. It doesn't matter if you know all the right words. Just share your heart with God. Pray out loud, or quietly in your heart. Pray in the car or in the shower. God just wants you. Your worries, your sadness. Your praise, your love, your time, your attention.

This morning I read the Psalm 22 that teaches that God inhabits the praise of his people. I know I need God right beside me all day long, so the best way for me to call upon Him is to continually praise him.

How Prayer Changes Us

Recently I started participating in a year long documentary our church is filming about the way prayer changes us. As I have been processing through my experience with Jensen's birth and time in the NICU I keep going back to each moment and reflecting on how prayer changed that moment. As soon as Ryan and I learned that I would be delivering Jensen 4 weeks early, we began texting friends and family and posting on social media. Within minutes we received tons of encouraging messages and the prayers kept coming all afternoon. Before our little guy had even made his big entrance, he had been prayed for by over 100 people! How amazing is that? As we prepared for surgery, prayer changed my heart by reminding me of God's sovereignty. God created Jensen. God knew that this was the day Jensen would be born. I was nervous, but the power of those praying friends and family encouraged me to trust in God's plan for that day. Then it was time for me to head into the operating room. I'll be honest...between the unknown of how healthy Jensen would be, the intimidating operating room, and the idea of being cut open, I felt like I was about to freak out. Then something inside of me thought to just start praying and praising. I started humming and quietly singing Bless The Lord, Oh My Soul to myself over and over and over again. I don't know if anyone else in that room heard me, but I know that Jesus did. Shifting my focus from fear to praise helped keep me calm until I finally heard Jensen's first cries and knew that I had done it! 

As I transitioned from delivery to recovery and we learned that Jensen would need some real time in the NICU, prayer continued to give me strength. The hardest parts was the nights. Nobody sleeps well in the hospital, but it is especially hard when you are in physical pain and separated from your tiny baby. It wasn't just his healthy problems that made it hard, it was not being able to hold or even touch him in those early days. I'm the kind of mama that gives my children a thousand hugs and kisses each day, so to not be able to hug and kiss Jensen early on was heart wrenching. That first night I woke up in the night crying. Ryan and I turned on some worship music on my iPhone and I spent those middle of the night hours quietly praying and singing along with the music, sometimes aloud, and sometimes just in my thoughts as I tried to sleep. Prayer changed me in those nights by reminding me that God was my strength and my comfort. Singing worship songs to get through the night helped me to focus on the fact that God is good. Always. That God loves me and my son. Always. The circumstance was not what I wanted it to be. The physical pain was real. But the presence of God was equally real. 

During the days that we were in the hospital, and the days when we were at home and having to go back and forth to the hospital twice a day, I was blessed to have a few close friends who would call and text me to check on me and encourage me. I love these real, genuine friends who I knew were sincerely praying for me and Jensen. I appreciated so much that it was okay for me to not "be okay" with these friends. One of my sweetest memories is sitting and crying and praying with one of my best friends who came up to the hospital to hang out and talk with me. Having close friends who love the Lord and can remind you to keep trusting and hoping is one of the best things you can have on your side during a tough time. 

I know it would be easy for somebody to read this and ask, "Yeah, but did prayer really change your circumstance?" And my answer would be a giant YES. Yes, Jensen was born with premature lung disease and yes that was hard and not what I would have chosen. Prayer gave us hope and encouragement. Prayer reminded us of who God was over and over again. Prayer connected us to the friends and family who helped us so much during that draining week - by bringing us meals, by helping with Eva, by being willing to listen when we needed it.

And the biggest, best moment of all - when we got the call to tell us that Jensen would be coming home EARLY! On the Monday I left the hospital the head NICU pediatrician had said to be prepared for Jensen to spend another week to two weeks in hospital care. I believe God healed our little boy and made him strong - and we got to bring him home only 4 days later! Ryan, Eva, and I were all in the car when we got the phone call and as soon as we told Eva she said, "Thank you God for making my baby brother get better." That's right, sweet girl, God is an amazing healer!