How Prayer Changes Us

Recently I started participating in a year long documentary our church is filming about the way prayer changes us. As I have been processing through my experience with Jensen's birth and time in the NICU I keep going back to each moment and reflecting on how prayer changed that moment. As soon as Ryan and I learned that I would be delivering Jensen 4 weeks early, we began texting friends and family and posting on social media. Within minutes we received tons of encouraging messages and the prayers kept coming all afternoon. Before our little guy had even made his big entrance, he had been prayed for by over 100 people! How amazing is that? As we prepared for surgery, prayer changed my heart by reminding me of God's sovereignty. God created Jensen. God knew that this was the day Jensen would be born. I was nervous, but the power of those praying friends and family encouraged me to trust in God's plan for that day. Then it was time for me to head into the operating room. I'll be honest...between the unknown of how healthy Jensen would be, the intimidating operating room, and the idea of being cut open, I felt like I was about to freak out. Then something inside of me thought to just start praying and praising. I started humming and quietly singing Bless The Lord, Oh My Soul to myself over and over and over again. I don't know if anyone else in that room heard me, but I know that Jesus did. Shifting my focus from fear to praise helped keep me calm until I finally heard Jensen's first cries and knew that I had done it! 

As I transitioned from delivery to recovery and we learned that Jensen would need some real time in the NICU, prayer continued to give me strength. The hardest parts was the nights. Nobody sleeps well in the hospital, but it is especially hard when you are in physical pain and separated from your tiny baby. It wasn't just his healthy problems that made it hard, it was not being able to hold or even touch him in those early days. I'm the kind of mama that gives my children a thousand hugs and kisses each day, so to not be able to hug and kiss Jensen early on was heart wrenching. That first night I woke up in the night crying. Ryan and I turned on some worship music on my iPhone and I spent those middle of the night hours quietly praying and singing along with the music, sometimes aloud, and sometimes just in my thoughts as I tried to sleep. Prayer changed me in those nights by reminding me that God was my strength and my comfort. Singing worship songs to get through the night helped me to focus on the fact that God is good. Always. That God loves me and my son. Always. The circumstance was not what I wanted it to be. The physical pain was real. But the presence of God was equally real. 

During the days that we were in the hospital, and the days when we were at home and having to go back and forth to the hospital twice a day, I was blessed to have a few close friends who would call and text me to check on me and encourage me. I love these real, genuine friends who I knew were sincerely praying for me and Jensen. I appreciated so much that it was okay for me to not "be okay" with these friends. One of my sweetest memories is sitting and crying and praying with one of my best friends who came up to the hospital to hang out and talk with me. Having close friends who love the Lord and can remind you to keep trusting and hoping is one of the best things you can have on your side during a tough time. 

I know it would be easy for somebody to read this and ask, "Yeah, but did prayer really change your circumstance?" And my answer would be a giant YES. Yes, Jensen was born with premature lung disease and yes that was hard and not what I would have chosen. Prayer gave us hope and encouragement. Prayer reminded us of who God was over and over again. Prayer connected us to the friends and family who helped us so much during that draining week - by bringing us meals, by helping with Eva, by being willing to listen when we needed it.

And the biggest, best moment of all - when we got the call to tell us that Jensen would be coming home EARLY! On the Monday I left the hospital the head NICU pediatrician had said to be prepared for Jensen to spend another week to two weeks in hospital care. I believe God healed our little boy and made him strong - and we got to bring him home only 4 days later! Ryan, Eva, and I were all in the car when we got the phone call and as soon as we told Eva she said, "Thank you God for making my baby brother get better." That's right, sweet girl, God is an amazing healer!

Growing a Baby

I wrote a few posts during my pregnancy that included week by week comparisons of my growing baby bump. I made sure to take a weekly photo and have finally put them all together in a slideshow. I think it is AMAZING to see how a woman's body grows and changes and a real human is growing inside.

Make a free photo slideshow When I looked back at all these photos it honestly made me miss being pregnant. I know, my husband must be shaking his head in disbelief. Yes, my pregnancy seemed LONG and was filled with painful, uncomfortable months. I just miss the beauty of growing a child inside. I miss feeling little baby kicks. I miss the anticipation of what is to come. Don't worry, husband, I agree that we are *probably* done having babies. We are blessed with two sweet, beautiful, healthy children and I think for my heart that will be enough. I will just rejoice when friends get to experience this wonderful, hard, always worth it miracle.

Jensen's Birth Story

As everybody knows, our little guy, Jensen, made an early debut on February 5th. I was only 36 weeks along so the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I was originally scheduled for c-section on February 23rd. That didn't quite happen....Here is the story of his birth.

Monday, January 26th
At 35 weeks along I made my first trip to Labor and Delivery for strong contractions. I was given a shot to stop labor from progressing. That week I made a couple of trips to my OB and was told to rest and take it easy. I was also put on a pill to take every 8 hours to continue to delay labor. I had really bad side effects with the pill but took it to keep that baby inside.

Tuesday, February 3rd
We got a 36 week sonogram to check out Jensen. He was already 6lbs 14 oz and everything looked safe internally. I was told I could stop the yucky pill, but to take it if regular contractions returned.

Wednesday, February 4th
Regular contractions returned. Surprise. I took the pill but this time it was not effective in stopping everything so I went back to Labor and Delivery. I wasn't dilated at all so the doctor didn't want to risk doing my c-section unnecessarily early. I was told I could either spend the night or go home with and take an Ambien to sleep through the night. I decided to go home. I did get some rest but did not sleep through the night. I was up with contractions and laboring from about 4-7AM, then I went back to sleep for a while.

Thursday, February 5th 
When I returned to my OB's office at 11AM. I had already been having contractions for 17 hours. At this point I was ready for this baby to get here, but I also knew it was still too early to try for a c-section. My doctor checked me out and this time I was dilated enough for her to decide that there was no turning back. She told me that we would be doing our c-section that day and to head back over to Labor and Delivery. Thankfully her office is located inside of the hospital so it wasn't far to go. When I got admitted they confirmed that I would in fact be having my c-section that day at 1:30PM.

It was very different to do a planned c-section than to go through labor and end up with a c-section, like I did with Eva. They got me changed, hooked up to an IV and then I actually walked into the operating room myself, with a nurse to help, wearing that awkward hospital gown and a blanket wrapped around me. And some snuggly hospital socks of course! I'm sure I was the image of fashion. I was honestly very anxious about the whole process of getting prepped for the c-section. When I had Eva, my epidural was wearing off and I ended up having to go under complete anesthesia so I wasn't sure what to expect this time around. Weirdest thing - when I walked into the FREEZING operating room they were playing some crazy tunes. My nurse, Nancy, was really comforting and just hugged me and assured me I was doing well while they gave me my spinal tap. She was so fantastic and really helped keep me calm. Then they called Ryan in to stay beside me and within a few minutes I heard those first baby cries!

Jensen Bruce Bradley was born at 1:53 PM, weighing 7 lbs, 6 oz and measuring 19 1/2 inches. Being awake during a c-section was such a surreal experience. It is strange to be awake and coherent but at the same time not feel everything. Almost like a weird trance. But I remember the moment I heard him cry and getting to see him and have him on my chest for a few minutes before he was taken away.

Since he was born at 36 weeks we were warned that it was very likely he would end up in NICU, and sure enough he was taken there right away for premature lung disease. After I was fully out of recovery I was able to be wheeled into the NICU on my recovery bed and actually got about an hour to hold him. I didn't know that would be the longest time I would get with him for a few days. I am so thankful that I got that hour to snuggle him and kiss him and just hold his brand new body against me.

Friday, February 6th - Monday, February 9th
I spent these days in my own hospital room. My days were a blur of taking pain medication, trying to sleep and recover, and eventually getting to make lots of trips back and forth to the NICU. There were some initial days when all we could do was just make short trips where I couldn't even touch him yet because his condition was too sensitive. It broke my heart to see my little baby all wrapped up and not be able to touch him. He had a feeding tube, an oxygen tube, respiratory and heart monitors and an IV going through his head, which seemed so sad but they said was actually more comfortable for him than the arm IV so that he could move his arm.  It wasn't until Saturday evening that I was actually allowed to hold him again, and even then it had to be limited. By Monday he had improved enough that I finally got to hold him and bottle feed him. We were lucky to have some really great nurses for both me and Jensen. I sure appreciate all those post-partum nurses who took care of me and all of the sweet nurses who looked over my baby in the hours when I couldn't be right there. Leaving Jensen behind when we left the hospital was so extremely hard, but I had to just keep telling myself that our baby would be home soon.

Tuesday, February 10th - Thursday, February 12th
We made twice a day trips to see Jensen in the NICU. I am very grateful for everybody who helped take care of Eva so that we could go see Jensen. Having to divide my time, energy, and emotions between the three year old who needed me at home and the tiny newborn waiting for me in the NICU was really rough. I have so much empathy for anybody who has ever had to leave a baby in the hospital, and even more so for anyone who had to keep loving and caring for other kids at home. Wow. It is more difficult than you can imagine and your heart is so torn. And we only had to do this for 3 full days - I can't imagine struggling through this for multiple weeks or even months. We were literally PRAISING GOD when we got the call on Wednesday that we could plan on Jensen coming home on Friday.

Friday, February 13th
We took our little guy home!!! It was such a sweet homecoming for Eva to FINALLY get to see her little brother. Life at home has been exhausting but I wouldn't trade it. As tired as I am in most moments, nothing is better than looking down and seeing my two children nestled in my arms together.

Jensen is now doing great! I hope to blog again soon (hopefully in the next week) but he is healthy and so far such an easy going baby. He nurses or takes a bottle about every 3 hours and mostly sleeps the rest of the day. He cries when he is hungry or when we change him, other than that he is so calm. That is what we need in our home! Really, an answered prayer. Lots of people have asked how I am feeling....while I am still quite sore from the surgery, I honestly feel 10 times better than I did for most of my pregnancy! Thank you to EVERYBODY who prayed for our family and for Jensen. I want to write another post about the power of everybody's prayer, so for now I will just say thank you.

Friday Thoughts

I was going to do a "Five on Friday" posting but I'm not sure how many things I have to blog about today so instead I just decided to compile some photos with some thoughts. Here we go....
1. Last Friday we took Eva bowling at Main Event for a family day. We realized that with the holidays we hadn't really done a special family day since we went to the zoo back in November. Bowling with a three year old is cute. She really liked it although she did get worn out about half way through. We probably won't get to do a lot more things like this for a while so I'm glad we took her and got to giggle at how funny it is to watch a small person carry a 6lb bowling ball.

2. This photo is pretty much how my week felt. Upside down. I started having real contractions on Monday so we got to spend several hours Monday night at the hospital and then have made multiple doctor trips this week. Basically Jensen is doing fine but I have to take yucky medicine to try to delay labor and am not supposed to do a lot. I'm not on strict bed rest but I'm not supposed to run a bunch of errands or clean my house or anything, just mostly hangout out sitting or lying down for the next 10 days. It could be much worse, but it is still driving me crazy a bit. Thankfully, I can say that in all the craziness of this week, I have really not been worried about Jensen. Maybe for a couple of minutes when I walked into the labor and delivery room and saw that tiny newborn crib box next to the bed, but really overall I have so much peace about him. All through this pregnancy I have felt that peace. Everything may not be perfect or go just like I have planned it, but I've really always had that peace of Christ that Jensen was created by God and that I don't need to worry about him.

3. Which brings me to my next point - marry well. If I could give young girls one piece of advice it would be to always seek God and spend time with him. If I could give a second piece of advice it would be to think carefully about who you choose to date and marry. Our marriage isn't perfect but I am so thankful that I decided to marry Ryan Bradley. Even though he has been given a lot of extra responsibility at work he has still tried so hard to help out with everything at home this week. He knows that it is hard for me to let go of the home and he been such a huge blessing. Last night he vacuumed, made dinner and folded the laundry just so that I wouldn't be stressing about these things getting done.  This morning he got up and took Eva on a date to go get donuts and run around at Cabelas. My love language has always been quality time but I'm starting to see that I also really appreciate acts of service. I may resist a bit when he tells me to stop doing things and rest but on the inside I love and appreciate him so much.

4. They say it takes a village to raise a child. They were right. Especially my child and especially when I can't do a whole lot. We are always surrounded by so many people who love and will help with Eva, but it has been especially helpful this week. It is hard for me to ask for help with Eva because I'm her mom and I want to be the one who is able to do everything for her in just the way I know she needs it done. But sometimes you have to call in for backup. I really appreciate all the family and friends who have offered to help us out over the past week.

5. I had to throw this one in here. Eva may not be the next picasso, but she has just recently started drawing stick figures to represent people. She drew this one this week and said, "It's my Daddy. He likes blue." I realize that there are some way more advanced artists out in the land of preschool but I was proud that she did this on her own and put thought into it.

6. Does anybody else ever feel like raising little people is hard work? Oh my goodness. I love this girl. More than anything. But some days....she can raise the bar on throwing a fit. I've read up a lot lately on the best way to respond to kids in the midst of their "I'm-crying-because-you-wiped-up-water-beneath-my-paper-so-I-had-to-wait-to-use-the-marker" emotional breakdown.  I just want to share this so that other parents reading this can remember that they aren't the only ones. Based on what I've read our kids will probably turn out to be normal, functioning humans who don't melt down when their bandaids fall off their fingers.

7. Finally, I ask for prayer. Please pray for this big girl who is so excited to meet "her new baby" but isn't quite sure how to navigate being anxious over the changes in our home and having to let her Mama rest so much. Pray that her little heart doesn't doubt that our love for her never changes and that her brain doesn't melt when she is allowed to watch way too much TV. And pray for the tiny one inside that giant belly, that he will be able to stay in there and grow a bit longer, and then he would be born so healthy and strong because he will need to be strong to keep up with his sister. Lastly, pray for the tired Mama who loves her babies so, so much and is trying to balance life.

Nursery Reveal

I am so excited to share these photos of our little guy's new nursery!!! The term "nursery" almost seems silly to me because I really planned and designed this room to grow with Jensen. Maybe not until he's 18, but hopefully through his childhood years. I used these rooms as inspiration {Pinterest 1, Pinterest 2} and then made it my own creation based on what we already had, our budget, and my own artistic skills. My first priority was color scheme {red, navy, bright yellow} and then I mixed in various little boy themes {airplanes, vintage, sports, cars, etc.}.

This is the view when you open the door to Jensen's room. The crib and changing table were both used with Eva. I sewed the drapes myself! I was pretty proud of how the turned out for it being my first attempt. I orginally really wanted navy striped drapes but I'm actually glad I went with yellow to contrast the rug. Also we will have black out curtains behind them, but I took them down to let the natural light in the room for theses photos.

PS Part of the fun of this post was using the new Cannon EF 50mm 1:1.8 lens that I got for my birthday. I feel like I am no where close to being a good enough photographer to be worthy of this awesome lens, but you have to start somewhere. So if you see a photo that looks especially cool, I probably switched to this lens.

The bunting banner above his crib was one of the few things I actually ordered from Etsy instead of sewing myself. I wanted a mixture of patterns and by the time I figured in the cost to buy strips of different materials plus the time it would take to make this, and questioning my ability to cut a perfect triangle and then sew it evenly, I decided it was way cheaper and easier to order it. Even the husband agreed on this one.

For crib sheets we went with geometric patterns from Amazon. We also have a fun navy print but this is what is waiting for Jensen first. 

I love this rug. I debated about getting a rug for a while....I wanted it to be the right size and some rugs are sooooo pricey. Then I found this one on Amazon and decided to put it on my registry. I am so glad I did! It really pulls the room together and makes the room actually seem bigger. 

This is our changing area. Nothing too fancy. The shelves above were left in our home when we purchased it so I chalk painted them red. The picture board on the right was from my room growing up. We actually have a bigger one in our guest bathroom that matches that we use to hold all of Eva's bows. 

I found this great changing pad cover at Kohls. The ones we had for Eva were pink and green so Jensen needed one that was more manly. 

I found this laundry basket at Target. I like how it mixes the navy stripe with the khaki and I thought it looked good to contrast the yellow vertical stripes on the curtains. 

How cute is this train? My mom picked this up in Kansas City and I think it is perfect. 

Okay, so I honestly do not love bracket shelves. This also came with our house and I had originally planned to take this down. Then I thought about how I would be leaving holes in the wall that would need to be fixed. And I do like that it has additional shelves that we can put up if we need more spaces for things like toys or books. So I kept it.

These model airplanes were put together by my late grandfather. I really like the idea of mixing in a few heirloom pieces to give the room a bit of vintage feel.

I already shared this silhouette photo of myself on Instagram and Facebook but I wanted to show it  one more time. Guess what? My husband took this photo of me using my iPhone 5s. I found a blog that gave tips for how to do this on your own, versus with a paid photographer, and it worked really well! I downloaded 2 camera apps to get the look I wanted and it was so easy. I took it exactly one month before Jensen's due date so that I could remember how pregnant I was right at that moment. I'm sure one day we will relocate this to somewhere else in our home but for now it is perfect for the nursery.

My old baseball glove. I know, I am not athletic, so I'm not sure why I had this little glove, but my grandparents saved it for almost 30 years before giving it to me. It even has "Katie" and "1987" written on it so I guess I got it when I was about 4 years old.

This book makes me laugh. Ryan's brother Greg gave Jensen The Dangerous Book for Boys for Christmas so I figured it needed to be displayed somewhere until he is old enough to enjoy it. 

The final corner includes my dad's old dresser that I chalk painted and our gallery wall.

For the top of the dresser I found an inexpensive lamp from Target and a vintage looking clock from Amazon. I may have spent way too much time a little bit of time searching for just the right clock. I know it's just a small alarm clock but I wanted the look to be just right and I wanted an auxiliary connection for my phone or iPod. Then I finished off the dresser with a bomber plane model that my was part of my grandfather's collection. It even has a tiny man glued to the back left that looks like he is about to jump out! How cool is that? I might still find a way to suspend this from the ceiling near the window but I haven't decided so for now it has landed on the dresses.

For the gallery wall I mixed some old frames that I chalk painted in red with a few new brown frames. I used a wooden classic sports picture and printed off a few free prints from Pinterest. Then I painted a big yellow sign! Okay, I saw this a while back on Etsy but for the size of the products I could find I felt they were way too expensive. Then I remembered that I had some extra wood and yellow paint in our garage. I wish I could have artistically painted on the lettters but I cheated and used a sharpie. Regardless, I like it. It's not perfect but it's for a little boy's room and little boy's aren't perfect, so it works right? 

My wonderful husband managed to fix the broken springs inside our glider so I am happy to use the same one I used with Eva. Instead of a nightstand I got a faux leather storage cube that my mom had and wasn't using anymore. I actually like this idea because it is easy to store extra blankets or bibs inside so that everything is right there when I'm nursing.

My final piece of art! I made this all by myself. I took an old canvas that a friend was throwing away and painted over it to make it my own. When I first showed Ryan my idea sketched on paper he lovingly said, "It looks like something a kid would draw." Then I reminded him that Jensen would be a kid so I was completely okay with it looking like a simple drawing. I think he caught on to my vision :) So yes, it is simplistic, but I really like it. And I painted it myself so that means it was made with love, which is absolutely the best kind of artwork.

There you go. My months of dreaming and planning and collecting all summed up. I'm only 5% sad when I walk into Hobby Lobby and see all the pink and gold things I would have used for a little girl's nursery. Just kidding....maybe 3%. I am happy with the way things came together to create a special room for our little guy.

Baby Lunch

Last Saturday my best friends and I went to lunch to celebrate baby Jensen. We decided to go to The Chestnut Tree in Denton. I have not been there in years, probably since Ryan and I lived in Denton, so it was really nice to get to go back to an old favorite. My lunch was delicious, but my friendship with these girls is even more wonderful. We have been friends for 10 years now and I am really thankful to have each of them in my life. 

To make lunch extra special they brought in a vase of sunflowers - my favorite!- and ordered a chocolate raspberry cake for us all to split. 

They also spoiled me and Jensen with a couple of presents....one of which is supposed to be arriving in the mail soon. I can't wait to see what it is and open it! Nothing like lingering suspense.... Thanks so much friends!

Proof of our forever long friendship :) Before real life, husbands, or babies. I probably posted this on my MySpace page back in the day.

50 days

Bump Pics: weeks 27-32

50 days. That is the most possible time we have left until Jensen is born. We have our c-section date scheduled and are counting down the days. 50 million weeks. That is how pregnant I feel right now. Ahhh, I just feel so many mixed emotions right now. In some ways I am so ready to be done but in other ways it feels like it will happen all too soon. Here is my 32 week update:

*Pants: They are necessary to stay warm but gosh I am so tired of wearing them. This is definitely the downside of being pregnant in winter. With Eva I could wear dresses the last month or so. I got some stretchy maternity "workout" pants back in November and these are my best bet. And by "workout" clearly I mean sleeping or bending down to pick up everything I drop.

*Sleep: I remember from being pregnant with Eva that sleep at the end of pregnancy is like a cruel joke. Your body is exhausted, you know you are going to be even more tired when the baby comes, you feel like you could literally fall over asleep at 7PM and yet at bedtime it is so hard to actually fall asleep and stay asleep, even when I am wearing my comfortable "workout" pants.

* Restless Legs and Leg Cramps: yay.

* Morning All day sickness: Yep, still there.

* Heartburn: I really didn't  have this with Eva so it was a fun surprise to wake up in the middle of the night with this. 

* Mid-night snacks: I've held off on this as long as possible but the past week I've started waking up starving in the middle of the night. Nothing like enjoying a bowl of cereal in the dark at 2AM. Gives you lots of time to think  :) 

I write all of this really not to complain, but to help me remember 3 months from now when I'm suddenly missing being pregnant. It's funny how quickly you forget the discomforts of pregnancy once you are loving on a cuddly newborn. 

Lots of people are asking me, "So are you ready?"  Hmm, let's define ready. We have a pack and play in the closet. I know the location of the pack and play sheets, although I should probably wash them. I have a few packs of diapers and LOTS of tiny boy clothes. I guess that's enough to be considered "ready." We cleaned out and organized the nursery after Christmas and I still have lots to get and do in there before it is really ready for me to enjoy for him. I think I'm supposed to register with the hospital soon and should probably look into packing a hospital bag in the coming weeks. And then there is the emotional aspect of being "ready." I am ready to kiss my baby. I'm not quite ready for the big life change of having a new person in our family. Honestly when I think about taking care of two kids it kind of overwhelms me. I know lots of moms have done it and we will adjust and things will be fine. It just kind of freaks me out. Also when I think about only have 50 days left with just us and Eva it makes me cry. Alot. I love her sooooo much and I don't want our relationship to change. I worry about her feeling left out or jealous. I hate that she has to be away from us for 3 nights when I'm in the hospital, especially knowing that even when we are all together back home things will be so different. I know having a sibling will be so good for her and ultimately she will love him and have so much fun with him. I know she will adjust and still feel loved and become an awesome helper. I'm just trying to soak in the last weeks of getting time with just me and her. I've also really enjoyed having some extra time with Ryan over the holidays. He is such a good husband and I know the extra stress that a newborn puts on your marriage so I'm thankful for the time we've had to just relax and laugh. 

I've been told that one day we will look back and hardly be able to image what our life was like before Jensen. I am looking forward to making sweet new memories as a family of four. The countdown is on....