For those in need of grace

 I blog a lot about all of the great things we do as a family, and I absolutely love sharing ideas for learning and the awesome things I get to do at home with Eva. I try really, really, REALLY hard to be an active involved mom. When I picture my years at home with Eva, I want to see lots of doing and laughing and creating. But some days....I am just in need of some grace.

This past summer was filled with lots of change and good moments, but it was also so very hard. I am not hear to complain about being pregnant, but to be honest this pregnancy has been rough on me. I have been in so much physical pain and been struggling through so many awful days of "morning sickness," the kind that somehow can last until late at night.

It has been really hard for me to learn to let go of some of the vision I see for myself as a mom. I want a clean house. I want healthy, home cooked meals. I want way more playing than TV watching. And to be honest, I haven't been able to live up to my own expectations for myself. I've had to accept that the house may not be as spotless as I would like. We aren't living in filth and my home probably looks like a realistic picture of most homes, with crumbs on the table, spots on the floor, and bathrooms that could use a good wipe down. I buy more frozen meals and we eat off paper plates more often than I would want to admit. And the TV....I feel like I'm in a constant inner battle with that darn TV. Truly, though, there are moments when standing up to put in a DVD is the most active thing I can do when I am battling sickness. The other day I was even feeling so awful that I drank a Coke. I do not like soda at all, I am trying to limit my caffeine in general, and I can already imagine how it is deteriorating my insides. But I had such a terrible headache that Eva and I were literally just having to sit quietly in the dark and watch a movie. That was all I could handle. I even made her read me a bed time story instead of me reading to her. I had tried every single natural, more healthy remedy but nothing was helping. Finally I resorted to a suggestion to try 2 Tylenol with some Coke. And it worked.

In the midst of all these seemingly long months of feeling sick and exhausted, I am trying to learn to give myself some grace. Above all else, I am pretty sure that my daughter and my husband still feel loved and taken care of. Ryan usually has clean clothes to wear and Eva would be content wearing the same pajamas for a week straight. Most nights I can still get dinner on the table, even if it looks like reheated pizza with a salad or apples to make it seem healthier. Eva's brain will probably not be completely melted from the amount of times she has watched Finding Nemo or The Lion King. And it is just for a season of life. Sometimes on the hard days you have to look at the give and take of the bigger picture...drinking 4 oz of Coke and being able to function is probably worth it.

Why am I sharing all this? For the others mamas out there who are in the same place I am. For moms who for whatever reason need encouragement that sometimes "good enough" really is good enough. I read an awesome blog post that shared that one of the most important thing you can do for your small kids (and probably your husband) is to share lots of snuggles and personal time. {I wish I could link to it but of course I can't find it anywhere now. Oh well, at least I remembered the main point.} I would agree that my husband would rather a happy wife who can greet him with a smile than spotless floors. My family benefits more from me sitting down to eat with them off a paper plate than from me exhausting myself to cook an amazing dinner. And Eva feels perfectly loved snuggled up in my arms watching her favorite movies. One of the sweetest moments came the other night when I was terribly, awful sick, had given up on getting her to go to sleep in her room, and let her come lie down with me in my bed. I had a washcloth on my forehead and had basically bargained with her that she could lie down next to me until Ryan got home if she was very quiet and did not move the bed at all. With tears in my eyes I whispered, "Eva, I'm sorry that I feel sick a lot." Her response? She sang me the sweetest Jesus Love Me I've ever heard and then asked me if that helped me feel better. Yep.

So go ahead. Serve pizza one more night if you need to. Let those crumbs under the kitchen table wait until tomorrow. Watch Nemo one more time on those days when you are trying your best and just need some grace. Love your family. No judgement here.