Loss and Love {Our Angel Baby}

A month ago Ryan and I lost a precious child. I was still early on in my pregnancy and had actually only known I was pregnant for a short time. But the loss is still real. After experiencing the joy in getting pregnant, the pain and sadness of going through a miscarriage, and the weeks of emotions that followed, I have been feeling like I want to share our story. I know for many women, going through a miscarriage is a very private thing. I feel like that too, but at the same time I want to be able to talk about it. I written this to share my own experience and feelings.

First, let me say that we were SO EXCITED to find out that I was pregnant. We have been wanting to grow our family for a while. I was almost thinking of waiting a few days to tell Ryan so that I could plan a more creative announcement but I'm so glad now that I told him when I did. He came home from work and -BEFORE he knew anything - one of the first things he said was, "Oh...I was hoping you would have Eva in a cute Big Sister shirt. I don't know why, but for some reason I was expecting that." What??? I had hidden the positive pregnancy test in the back of Eva's tricycle. We were outside playing and I told him that I thought she had put rocks inside her bike so he should look. Then, SURPRISE! I think every mother has those early fears that something could happen to the new life inside of her that she already loves. I remember praying and telling myself not to worry but to just be thankful for the joy I felt in that moment. I remember thinking that even if the worse was to happen later on, I could always remember the days when I was happy. Wow. I am so glad I thought about this. I feel like that is just an example of the way God has loved us. Yes, we have gone through some very hard, sad days, but I am so grateful that I had happy days to completely love my child and trust God. Before this experience I would have said that I would have rather never gotten pregnant than to have to loose a baby. Now I can honestly say that for me personally, I would rather have a short time to love my child than for that child to never have been created. I am sure not every mother feels like this, and that is okay. No one should ever tell a grieving mama what she should feel or think.

The few days leading up to confirming our loss were really hard. It is awful that there is nothing they can do to stop a miscarriage. Things happened to start for us on a weekend so the OB at my doctor's office suggested I stay on bed rest until I could get in on Monday just in case it was anything else. I was pretty sure that I knew when I had lost the baby but I did rest with a small hope that maybe it would make a difference. It didn't. But I am thankful that I spent those days resting. For me, it took away any guilt that I think I would have felt had I looked back and thought I could have done anything different.

By the time my appointment came on Monday, I really, honestly already knew. It was still really sad going through the sonogram process but at least it wasn't a complete surprise. I cannot imagine the pain of going to a sonogram expecting to see a healthy baby only to hear such disappointing, heartbreaking news. Yes, I still cried so much, but I am thankful that God prepared my heart for that moment.

What have been the hardest parts? Obviously, losing a baby that we really prayed for and loved and wanted so much. The loss of this child will always be a part of us. The next thing that has been hard for me is that we didn't get to tell our friends and family in a happy way. Maybe that seems silly...but since we told them about our loss I wish we could have told them earlier about our pregnancy. I guess that would have made them sadder later on but I do kind of wish we could have shared our news earlier, although I am really glad we never shared our news with "the whole world" because it has allowed us to be more discrete in deciding who we are ready to talk to. It has also been hard talking to people in general. I am very aware that it is an awkward thing to talk about. Our friends and family love us and don't want us to feel more sad by bringing it up. Honestly there are times when I definitely do not want to talk about it....but then there are days when I really wish somebody would talk about it. Sorry, friends and family, that just put you in the hardest position ever. I guess if you aren't sure whether to talk about it, you can just tell you that you love us and you care about us. To me that kind of leaves the door open for us to talk or not. Also it's been really hard that all of this happened during such a busy season of our life. It honestly is frustrating that hard things happen during times when you do not have the ability to just stop everything. Ryan's work in ministry does not stop. My role as a mother does not stop. I guess it's good to have other things to focus on but sometimes it's incredibly hard and I long for time to slow down. I've also struggled with becoming very forgetful or easily irritated. I know that I have to give myself some grace, but it is frustrating to feel like that.

What have been the blessings? I would never, ever want anyone to have to lose a baby. It doesn't matter how far along you are, losing a baby is sad and the pain is real. I have seen goodness even in the pain though. I have experienced the peace of Jesus that truly does go beyond circumstances. I know some people doubt God when something bad and unfair happens. I have never been more sure of His presence. I have felt the love and prayers from our friends and family. Trust me, my heart has been broken just like any other woman out there who has miscarried. The fact that I am able to find days of joy (not just moments), that I am able to laugh, that I am able keep going is because so many people have prayed for us and loved us. I am thankful for the friends that shared food with us those first few days when I didn't want to do anything. I am thankful for the encouraging texts we received. I don't know what it would have been like before texting, but I am thankful for this way for people to reach out and encourage us in the moments where we just weren't up for talking on the phone. We have been encouraged to hear so many stories of other women who have miscarried and gone on to have healthy babies later on. (I wish NONE of these women had lived through that but it is helpful to at least hear that they can relate and have gone on). It has been a blessing to experience the strength of God to know that even when the worst happens, we actually can keep going.

Things are still hard for me. I don't feel like the length of a pregnancy is equal to the amount of love you can have for your baby. There have been dark days. Days when I feel sad or angry. Days when I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything. There have also been peaceful, joy-filled days, too! The changing hormones inside definitely do not make it easier. I do have tons of hope, though. Hope for whatever God has planned for our life, whether that is one more healthy baby, a house full of babies, or maybe not. For years I have prayed that God would give us whatever children He would want us to have. I really hope that God grows our family and Eva gets to grow up with a sibling, and maybe that will happen or maybe it won't.

Here are some thoughts that I have struggled through: Christians, or even pastor's families, are always strong. False. We are still human and have real emotions. Yes, we have faith but that doesn't mean that there aren't days when we feel really weak. At least you still have Eva and you are young enough to try again. These are both true and good things...but I am still upset. At least you weren't that far along. I can completely agree that as each day in a pregnancy progress, you do become more attached and excited about the reality of holding and loving your child. I can't imagine the heartbreak of loosing a baby at the end of a pregnancy rather than earlier on. But I still wish I had a sweet sonogram photo of our baby.

The Sunday before I miscarried, I taught the Pre-K Sunday school class at church. They learned about the story of Job and I remember reading them the verse, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job's loss was much greater than mine, but he kept going. Because God is good! Even on terrible days, even in pain, even when life just isn't fair. God is good. Good because He loves us more than we can imagine. Good because He is with us always, even in the days of darkness. The peace I have in Jesus really, truly does transcend understanding.

Hopefully our story will encourage somebody else who is struggling. Not every woman has a place to share or feels like sharing will help them. I understand that. Writing everything out has helped me process things, and I appreciate everybody who took the time to read all of it.