Being Refined

In case I have somehow fooled anyone into thinking that I am a perfect mom, let me share a real life mothering experience with you. Tonight Eva and I met my best friend Erica for some On the Border. Ryan was working late and I wanted a fun Friday night activity. Plus I love Erica and don't get to see her enough. While we were enjoying our Mexican feast Eva decided that she did not want to sit in her highchair any longer. She did not want to eat. She did not want to be held. She did not want to sit or stand. Basically, she just wanted to cry. It started off with small whimpers and quickly escalated. Not wanting to be that person that ruins dinner for everyone in the restaurant I tried to distract her with toys. I tried holding her. I tried having Erica hold her. None of it made her content. I know that most moms experience this with their children, but when you are the one sitting at the table and it is your child screaming, it's frustrating. So Eva and I finish the meal, tell Erica goodbye, and head home. She screamed and cried the entire 30 minute drive home. Selfishly, I felt irritated. I was looking forward to a night out of the house. I was tired. I knew Ryan would still be gone when we got home. I wanted her to be sweet and cute when we were in public. I did not want to listen to cry the whole way home.

I decided it would help some if I called my mom. I apologized to her for ruining her birthday the year her and my dad took me to the movies and I was really, really naughty. I cried a little bit thinking about the week that Ryan will be gone for youth camp and it will be just me and Eva.

And then something happened. I realized that part of being a mom is the wonderful experience of being refined. Being broken of your selfishness. Learning that it's okay for plans to not work out perfectly. Recognizing that your unconditional love for your baby will outlast any momentary frustration. Remembering that your own mother probably felt the exact same deep love for you despite how you acted.

When Eva and I got home I carried her inside and set her down. She smiled at me like she had just come home from the best night of her life. I changed her into her jammies and told her how much I love her. I told her that she is a good, sweet baby. I listened to her little coos and appreciated lying next to her. And now that she is peacefully asleep, I kind of miss holding her.

To Erica, thank you for being my best friend. Please have dinner with me again sometime. To my mom, you are wonderful and I am so sorry for any time I acted up or embarrassed you. I don't remember you being mad often, so thank you for being patient with me. And finally to Eva, I will always, always love you more than you know. You are a blessing to me. Thank you for teaching me to be patient and unselfish.